Tuesday, November 26, 2002
HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY TO MY WONDERFUL BROTHER!
I just wish he was able to celebrate it today. Poor kid is stuck out in the field doing ARMY maneuvers until 12/17/02.
I love you Winfield.
Can't stop playing the Justin Timberlake CD over and over! I might need some serious therapy if I ever lose or damage this disc. Seriously, I am falling madly in love. Before it was just a deep yearning. Now it's full blown obsession. I'm comfortable with that.
Had a great shift last night at the Gap. They put me on register again and I shined shined shined! At about 8pm, I took my 15 minute break and while I was standing there smoking my cigarette, Ari appears out of nowhere, walking her baby boy.
In this case, baby boy = a dog named Riley.
Don't get nervous ya'll; she don't got no human baby yet.
Phew. I don't know if I am ready to be a father yet.
We smoked a butt together and then she went back to her apartment.
At 9:15pm, I took my 45 minute break and scooted on over to her pad and we smoked a bong together and I was able to rest my weary legs. It was the best 45 minutes of my whole day. After I returned to work, stoned and happy, the night just FLEW by. I may have to consider smoking pot during every shift. Even if it means hiding out in the fitting rooms with my new bong.
I think they'd be cool with that.
As I was walking back from Ari's apartment, I stepped within inches of a hypodermic needle. Yes, NYC really does have needles lying on the ground.
SICK!
and scary!
and I also used it cuz I wanted to know what it felt like to share a needle with a stranger.
BTW, it felt kinda good.
I got home around 1am and Kelly, Rita, Angie and I sang La Cucaracha while Angie smashed the shit out of her "Hello Kitty" Pinata. Rita had stocked the thing FULL with amazing candy. We all ate one piece together, talked a bit more, and then it was time for bed. I think my head hit the pillow some time around 2:15am.
A very long day.
I am off work tonight so I am THRILLED to go home, drink a few glasses of wine, sing for a bit, put away my laundry, and relax my worn and torn body. What a great and QUIET evening it will be. Actually, Kelly's parents are coming into town tonight instead of tomorrow due to this supposed "massive snowstorm we are going to get tonight". I don't know how much I believe in it, but it would be pretty exciting to wake up to snow on the ground. And right before Thanksgiving. To me, that is a beautiful thing. If there is more than 2 inches on the ground, I will be creating a snow man masterpiece outside my bedroom window. Then I will pee on it so that it looks just like a true to form NY'er snowman.
Everyone walks around with pee on them here. It's just how things are done.
I guess Paul signed his lease yesterday. He called me at work ONCE during the whole day, but I happened to be out at lunch. Then he never called back. He is switching his service on his cell phone, so it has been out of commission for the last couple of days. Also, his home phone has no long distance because he and his roommate have cellies (as they call them) (trust me, my boyfriend really ISN'T flaming). I have no idea if he is living or dead at this point. Imagine he moved to Idaho or something and never told me? This whole time I thought he was signing a lease in NYC, but in reality he was just playing me for a fool.
I hate foolery.
So one more ridiculous thing before I go finish up my bullshit work related nonsense...
Yesterday morning, when my alarm went off, Z100 (my flavorite radio station) was talking about the Sopranos episode from the night before. Now, I don't watch the Sopranos, cuz I simply don't have the time, but they played a scene from Sunday night's episode. In the scene, Tony is telling Dr. Malfey (Malfee? MalFe? stuart?) that he doesn't want to participate in anymore therapy sessions with her. She tells him that he should just come back for one more session and he says "No, I'm done". Then he proceeds to shoot her in the face. She screams and hits the floor. Dead.
You see...he kills her cuz she knows too much about him.
I GASP and wonder why I haven't found the time to watch this show. What a cool concept. They proceeded to talk about the episode at great length and I immediatly found my conversation piece for the day.
As soon as Ari came into work, I asked her if she had seen the episode. She said "no" and I pumped it up like nobody's bihness. I told her that the episode was HUGE and that she should do all that she could to avoid any sort of recap on it during the day, so as not to spoil it for herself. I talked about it ALL day.
Then last night when I got home, I did the same thing with Kelly, who has as of late, been watching the show. Both of them were curious and thrilled to see what the big deal was.
This morning when my alarm went off, Z100 was fielding angry phone calls from listeners who were questioning why Z100 would pull such a horrible prank on their listeners.
I find out that they made up the entire thing. The scene I heard on the radio was exerpts from past episodes and it was put together so BRILLIANTLY that everyone bought right into it.
I was DUPED by Z100 and that makes me embarrassed as well as totally overjoyed. I don't fool easily and they got me!
That makes two times in the last year that I have fallen for media pranks.
Remember the Real World Vancouver bullshit from a couple months ago?
Well, that one made me physically angry.
This stunt makes me smile and think to myself:
"Why am I such a ridiculous monster?"
Alrighty all!
Have a great night and think about this final thought:
"If a comedianne boofs on a subway, does the humor of it all make the smell worth it?"
yikes. I need sleep.
I just wish he was able to celebrate it today. Poor kid is stuck out in the field doing ARMY maneuvers until 12/17/02.
I love you Winfield.
Can't stop playing the Justin Timberlake CD over and over! I might need some serious therapy if I ever lose or damage this disc. Seriously, I am falling madly in love. Before it was just a deep yearning. Now it's full blown obsession. I'm comfortable with that.
Had a great shift last night at the Gap. They put me on register again and I shined shined shined! At about 8pm, I took my 15 minute break and while I was standing there smoking my cigarette, Ari appears out of nowhere, walking her baby boy.
In this case, baby boy = a dog named Riley.
Don't get nervous ya'll; she don't got no human baby yet.
Phew. I don't know if I am ready to be a father yet.
We smoked a butt together and then she went back to her apartment.
At 9:15pm, I took my 45 minute break and scooted on over to her pad and we smoked a bong together and I was able to rest my weary legs. It was the best 45 minutes of my whole day. After I returned to work, stoned and happy, the night just FLEW by. I may have to consider smoking pot during every shift. Even if it means hiding out in the fitting rooms with my new bong.
I think they'd be cool with that.
As I was walking back from Ari's apartment, I stepped within inches of a hypodermic needle. Yes, NYC really does have needles lying on the ground.
SICK!
and scary!
and I also used it cuz I wanted to know what it felt like to share a needle with a stranger.
BTW, it felt kinda good.
I got home around 1am and Kelly, Rita, Angie and I sang La Cucaracha while Angie smashed the shit out of her "Hello Kitty" Pinata. Rita had stocked the thing FULL with amazing candy. We all ate one piece together, talked a bit more, and then it was time for bed. I think my head hit the pillow some time around 2:15am.
A very long day.
I am off work tonight so I am THRILLED to go home, drink a few glasses of wine, sing for a bit, put away my laundry, and relax my worn and torn body. What a great and QUIET evening it will be. Actually, Kelly's parents are coming into town tonight instead of tomorrow due to this supposed "massive snowstorm we are going to get tonight". I don't know how much I believe in it, but it would be pretty exciting to wake up to snow on the ground. And right before Thanksgiving. To me, that is a beautiful thing. If there is more than 2 inches on the ground, I will be creating a snow man masterpiece outside my bedroom window. Then I will pee on it so that it looks just like a true to form NY'er snowman.
Everyone walks around with pee on them here. It's just how things are done.
I guess Paul signed his lease yesterday. He called me at work ONCE during the whole day, but I happened to be out at lunch. Then he never called back. He is switching his service on his cell phone, so it has been out of commission for the last couple of days. Also, his home phone has no long distance because he and his roommate have cellies (as they call them) (trust me, my boyfriend really ISN'T flaming). I have no idea if he is living or dead at this point. Imagine he moved to Idaho or something and never told me? This whole time I thought he was signing a lease in NYC, but in reality he was just playing me for a fool.
I hate foolery.
So one more ridiculous thing before I go finish up my bullshit work related nonsense...
Yesterday morning, when my alarm went off, Z100 (my flavorite radio station) was talking about the Sopranos episode from the night before. Now, I don't watch the Sopranos, cuz I simply don't have the time, but they played a scene from Sunday night's episode. In the scene, Tony is telling Dr. Malfey (Malfee? MalFe? stuart?) that he doesn't want to participate in anymore therapy sessions with her. She tells him that he should just come back for one more session and he says "No, I'm done". Then he proceeds to shoot her in the face. She screams and hits the floor. Dead.
You see...he kills her cuz she knows too much about him.
I GASP and wonder why I haven't found the time to watch this show. What a cool concept. They proceeded to talk about the episode at great length and I immediatly found my conversation piece for the day.
As soon as Ari came into work, I asked her if she had seen the episode. She said "no" and I pumped it up like nobody's bihness. I told her that the episode was HUGE and that she should do all that she could to avoid any sort of recap on it during the day, so as not to spoil it for herself. I talked about it ALL day.
Then last night when I got home, I did the same thing with Kelly, who has as of late, been watching the show. Both of them were curious and thrilled to see what the big deal was.
This morning when my alarm went off, Z100 was fielding angry phone calls from listeners who were questioning why Z100 would pull such a horrible prank on their listeners.
I find out that they made up the entire thing. The scene I heard on the radio was exerpts from past episodes and it was put together so BRILLIANTLY that everyone bought right into it.
I was DUPED by Z100 and that makes me embarrassed as well as totally overjoyed. I don't fool easily and they got me!
That makes two times in the last year that I have fallen for media pranks.
Remember the Real World Vancouver bullshit from a couple months ago?
Well, that one made me physically angry.
This stunt makes me smile and think to myself:
"Why am I such a ridiculous monster?"
Alrighty all!
Have a great night and think about this final thought:
"If a comedianne boofs on a subway, does the humor of it all make the smell worth it?"
yikes. I need sleep.
Monday, November 25, 2002
It feels REALLY good not to have a weekend at all.
SIKE! It sucks! I have spent the last 72 hours at the Gap. Seriously. I worked 24 hours this weekend. I slept for like 11. It was awful. I still have the tired buzzing in my head. Getting 3 hours of sleep a night is by far one of the worst things on the planet.
Yet, I pulled through.
I work AGAIN tonight and then I have tomorrow night off. Thank God. I was originally scheduled to work, but my my (music hits me so hard, makes me say "oh my lawd"...) GM (General Manager) took me off the schedule because I had complained to her the day before. My average work week at the Gap was supposed to be 35 hours. UM! That is more than I work at my FULL TIME day job! Hopefully we got it worked out so that I am only working between 25-30 hours a week. FUCK. Are these people kidding me?
But on the plus side, my co-workers and managers are nothing short of wonderful. They are all nice to me and willing to help. Of course there are the few that I think suck, but that's just cuz they think they are God's gift to "Gap". But whatevs, cuz really...if they believe that then they've got their own massive issues.
We had this full staff holiday meeting yesterday at 7am (meaning I had to get up at fucking 5am after having worked until 12am the night before) and I was shocked at how great all of the people were. During the meeting there were games and prizes and I walked away with some good shit. I got a $25 gift card to use in the store, as well as a $10 Virgin Records gift certificate and ALSO $10 in McDonald's coupons. AWESOME, right? For doing nothing, but showing up and answering a few questions about Gap products. Now, if the rest of the job could be so damn cool.
My legs and back are so sore! I go through moments of complete and utter exhaustion and then I get my 3rd and 4th wind and I am okay. More than anything, I want this job to be overwith. Just 6 more weeks to go!
Yay!
:-0****
that's me vomiting.
Paul comes into town today to sign the lease to his new apartment. I mean, is he really going to be living here in 6 days?
~AYIYI~
Angie spends tonight as her last night in NYC. Her last night for 6 months or so.
She left me with her Playstation 2 and her bong! What more could a girl like me ask for?
I haven't looked to see what games she left behind, but I did see that she has the
Britney Spear's Dance Game
I am so playing that as soon as I get the chance. I want to get her moves down so Justin will do me good.
Yes, I said "do me good".
My fingernails are doing so poorly lately. I have been chomping on them so vigorously that it makes me kinda nervous. The bad part is that I just LOVE biting them. They taste so good! Like chocolate covered fingers.
oh. that might be poop I'm tasting.
To celebrate Angie's big trip to Mexico, Kelly is taking her out to dinner and then Rita will meet them for drinks. When I get home around 1am, we will smash open a pinata and then we will probably do La Cucaracha and go to bed.
I said last week that I was probably not going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving and luckily that has changed. I am leaving at 8:30am on Thursday and coming back at 9am on Friday. Kind of a whirlwind trip, but it will be worth it. I can't imagine not being able to be with my family on this holiday. Or really any holiday for that matter. The 'rents told me that they were throwing a New Year's Eve party again this year and while I would love to go, I will have to work at the Gap. I told them that they should cancel the party and come spend New Year's with us down in the city. I think they might actually do it. Then YES Kelly, we will stop by to have drinks with you or to celebrate the 12am countdown with you or sumptin sumptin. Why do I feel like I will be the one coordinating everyone's schedules? That's ridiculous. But probably the only way everything will run smoothly.
And why am I stressing about New Year's today when Thanksgiving is literally in 3 days? Cuz I am an anal monster that drives myself to the point of lunacy over minutia.
That's the word of the day today: Minutia (the smallest, most trivial of details)
So I am just about the WORST folder to ever work at the Gap. I have figured out a way to hide pieces of clothing in the store so that no one will ever know the better. I am the best at covering up my lack of skillz.
There is this guy that I work with named Eli.
Member when I was having dreams about him for awhile and for some reason I was like in love with him?
Well, nothing much has changed between he and I since that time, except now I hate him. I don't have any idea why, either. I mean, I hate lots of people. I am totally intolerant of anyone and anything that gets under my skin. While Eli is a very nice and pleasant person, I find myself wanting to grab him by his little neck so that I can ring the life out of him. And the best part about it is that he does nothing purposely wrong. NOTHING. Yet, when I see him, I want to punch.
He's not an ugly guy, by any means, but I do believe that his face is slowly melting off. I have said this to Rita on numerous occassions, and while she laughs each time I say it, she is always perplexed as to what I really mean when I say it.
This is what I mean:
Example of Eli's melting face
He just drives me crazy for no reason at all. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAWR!
I probably shouldn't have worn the tightest shirt I own on a day when I have to work for 15 hours.
Okay, Eli just walked up to my computer and I thought he saw the picture of his melting face. I got nervous, but then I remembered "His face is so melty, his vision is probably blurry, so he can't read over people's shoulder's so well".
(snicker)
Okay, Angela, the housekeeper in my building, just came up to me and told me that she was putting the fruit we got for a fruit salad "upstairs" so that I could "go cut it up when I get the chance". Okay, is she kidding? I think she is, but part of me thinks she's serious. I ain't cuttin that shit! FUCK! What IS this place?
Did I get hired to cut fucking fruit?
Prolly.
So tired right now.
A wave of exhaustion has just clouded my eyes.
And I am starving AGAIN!
I have already had my daily roll with butter and vitamin water. Now I am ready for a steak dinner.
"did you say STEAK?" ---- horrible reference to "Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo"
There is a crazy man in my office right now.
cuhRAZY man with a huge egg on his forehead. Cuz HOW did he get that shit on his face?
Like I should talk...I get weird things on my face all the time.
They just haven't been in the form of a Robin's egg yet.
I wish I could take a nap now.
fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy
I gotta go put my head down on my desk for a minute.
for a minutia I mean.
X-(
SIKE! It sucks! I have spent the last 72 hours at the Gap. Seriously. I worked 24 hours this weekend. I slept for like 11. It was awful. I still have the tired buzzing in my head. Getting 3 hours of sleep a night is by far one of the worst things on the planet.
Yet, I pulled through.
I work AGAIN tonight and then I have tomorrow night off. Thank God. I was originally scheduled to work, but my my (music hits me so hard, makes me say "oh my lawd"...) GM (General Manager) took me off the schedule because I had complained to her the day before. My average work week at the Gap was supposed to be 35 hours. UM! That is more than I work at my FULL TIME day job! Hopefully we got it worked out so that I am only working between 25-30 hours a week. FUCK. Are these people kidding me?
But on the plus side, my co-workers and managers are nothing short of wonderful. They are all nice to me and willing to help. Of course there are the few that I think suck, but that's just cuz they think they are God's gift to "Gap". But whatevs, cuz really...if they believe that then they've got their own massive issues.
We had this full staff holiday meeting yesterday at 7am (meaning I had to get up at fucking 5am after having worked until 12am the night before) and I was shocked at how great all of the people were. During the meeting there were games and prizes and I walked away with some good shit. I got a $25 gift card to use in the store, as well as a $10 Virgin Records gift certificate and ALSO $10 in McDonald's coupons. AWESOME, right? For doing nothing, but showing up and answering a few questions about Gap products. Now, if the rest of the job could be so damn cool.
My legs and back are so sore! I go through moments of complete and utter exhaustion and then I get my 3rd and 4th wind and I am okay. More than anything, I want this job to be overwith. Just 6 more weeks to go!
Yay!
:-0****
that's me vomiting.
Paul comes into town today to sign the lease to his new apartment. I mean, is he really going to be living here in 6 days?
~AYIYI~
Angie spends tonight as her last night in NYC. Her last night for 6 months or so.
She left me with her Playstation 2 and her bong! What more could a girl like me ask for?
I haven't looked to see what games she left behind, but I did see that she has the
Britney Spear's Dance Game
I am so playing that as soon as I get the chance. I want to get her moves down so Justin will do me good.
Yes, I said "do me good".
My fingernails are doing so poorly lately. I have been chomping on them so vigorously that it makes me kinda nervous. The bad part is that I just LOVE biting them. They taste so good! Like chocolate covered fingers.
oh. that might be poop I'm tasting.
To celebrate Angie's big trip to Mexico, Kelly is taking her out to dinner and then Rita will meet them for drinks. When I get home around 1am, we will smash open a pinata and then we will probably do La Cucaracha and go to bed.
I said last week that I was probably not going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving and luckily that has changed. I am leaving at 8:30am on Thursday and coming back at 9am on Friday. Kind of a whirlwind trip, but it will be worth it. I can't imagine not being able to be with my family on this holiday. Or really any holiday for that matter. The 'rents told me that they were throwing a New Year's Eve party again this year and while I would love to go, I will have to work at the Gap. I told them that they should cancel the party and come spend New Year's with us down in the city. I think they might actually do it. Then YES Kelly, we will stop by to have drinks with you or to celebrate the 12am countdown with you or sumptin sumptin. Why do I feel like I will be the one coordinating everyone's schedules? That's ridiculous. But probably the only way everything will run smoothly.
And why am I stressing about New Year's today when Thanksgiving is literally in 3 days? Cuz I am an anal monster that drives myself to the point of lunacy over minutia.
That's the word of the day today: Minutia (the smallest, most trivial of details)
So I am just about the WORST folder to ever work at the Gap. I have figured out a way to hide pieces of clothing in the store so that no one will ever know the better. I am the best at covering up my lack of skillz.
There is this guy that I work with named Eli.
Member when I was having dreams about him for awhile and for some reason I was like in love with him?
Well, nothing much has changed between he and I since that time, except now I hate him. I don't have any idea why, either. I mean, I hate lots of people. I am totally intolerant of anyone and anything that gets under my skin. While Eli is a very nice and pleasant person, I find myself wanting to grab him by his little neck so that I can ring the life out of him. And the best part about it is that he does nothing purposely wrong. NOTHING. Yet, when I see him, I want to punch.
He's not an ugly guy, by any means, but I do believe that his face is slowly melting off. I have said this to Rita on numerous occassions, and while she laughs each time I say it, she is always perplexed as to what I really mean when I say it.
This is what I mean:
Example of Eli's melting face
He just drives me crazy for no reason at all. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAWR!
I probably shouldn't have worn the tightest shirt I own on a day when I have to work for 15 hours.
Okay, Eli just walked up to my computer and I thought he saw the picture of his melting face. I got nervous, but then I remembered "His face is so melty, his vision is probably blurry, so he can't read over people's shoulder's so well".
(snicker)
Okay, Angela, the housekeeper in my building, just came up to me and told me that she was putting the fruit we got for a fruit salad "upstairs" so that I could "go cut it up when I get the chance". Okay, is she kidding? I think she is, but part of me thinks she's serious. I ain't cuttin that shit! FUCK! What IS this place?
Did I get hired to cut fucking fruit?
Prolly.
So tired right now.
A wave of exhaustion has just clouded my eyes.
And I am starving AGAIN!
I have already had my daily roll with butter and vitamin water. Now I am ready for a steak dinner.
"did you say STEAK?" ---- horrible reference to "Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo"
There is a crazy man in my office right now.
cuhRAZY man with a huge egg on his forehead. Cuz HOW did he get that shit on his face?
Like I should talk...I get weird things on my face all the time.
They just haven't been in the form of a Robin's egg yet.
I wish I could take a nap now.
fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy
I gotta go put my head down on my desk for a minute.
for a minutia I mean.
X-(
Thursday, November 21, 2002
So wow.
Everything is changing right before my eyes.
I mean, I know that with this journal I am notorious for saying that “things are changing” and that I am due for some sort of comeback within my life.
But I feel like this time it’s for real.
I know this sounds stupid, but I work at the Gap. I mean, Joe Cuttheshit works at the Gap.
Joe Cuttheshit doesn’t work at the Gap. Joe Cuttheshit doesn’t work a second job period.
But here I am...trying my best to guide my life into a healthier direction. A life filled with no booze, no slack time, and no life that isn’t anything, but productive.
Tonight was my one night off. I am sort of understanding how Kelly feels when she has to work every single night knowing that she can only see her roommates once a week or so...
Weird, cuz before I didn’t get that and now I kinda do.
Last night, when I found out that I wouldn’t have to work this evening, I thought “FUCKING YES! I can get drunk with Rita and not feel guilty for doing it!” I can earn my night of drinking instead of relying on it.
You see...
I don’t think that I am addicted (you could get...addicted) to alcohol; I think I am addicted to the feeling I get hanging out with my friends while having a few beers on the table.
Going into tonight, I knew that this was my night to drink. I knew deep down that it couldn’t be CRAZY and go all night because it’s a Thursday and there is work to do tomorrow, but at the same time, I looked forward to tonight as though it was my own personal weekend.
I have to work at my day job tomorrow and at the Gap for just about all of Friday and Saturday.
I am used to having one night watching movies and one night going out on the town.
Wow. Everything’s changing.
I had the most amazing time with Rita tonight. We discussed some very personal issues that are plaguing both of our otherwise perfect lives. Lots of shit has been going on with the three housemates lately and none of it is “journal business” at this point. Eventually I will spill the beans, but for now, the three of us are really finding ourselves in not only the city, but in our personal lives as well.
We are learning, very gradually, what our purpose is in this great big world. I know it sounds lame, but it is so tragically true. I count on the fact that those who read my journal understand that this is a journal and that there is so much more going on behind the scenes. It’s focused on what I see in my every day life as well as how I feel feel expressing myself on that given day.
So I have just inundated you with non-sequential bullshit, but I think that you understand my freeverse.
tangent.
whatever.
I love my Rita. In a way that would make a grown man cry. A big hairy trucker grown man even.
I don’t wax philosophic nearly enough about her.
At this point in my life, I find myself as a cojoined twin.
Siamese baby if you will.
Rita and I work together, come home together, go out together, have the same friends, watch movies together, buy underwear together, and even call out the fact that we are at that moment taking our daily shit.
It’s a little bizarre and somewhat cartoonish at the same time.
I am constantly writing in here about the levels that Kelly and I are conquering, yet Rita remains a complete mystery. All that is ever said is that she is funny and likes BBQ and got me hooked on this journal.
But in all reality, she is ties it all together.
Kelly and Rita serve very different purposes in my life.
Kelly knows me in one way
and
Rita knows me in another.
Both of them are one of 8 people that mean the world to me. 8 people that comprise my entire existence on this planet. If all of them were to die in some freak ridiculous accident, I would be forced to kill my own person, because I would have no one.
I don’t think I need to explain who these people are, because that would make this even that much more staged and cliche, but I do need to say that yes Ari, I consider you one of these 8 people.
***DISCLAIMER---IF YOU ARE NOT ARI FEEL FREE TO SLIP THIS PART ENTIRELY***
You are my NYC life. At least at this point. I know you and I have thus begun to understand you. You have taught me so much about myself that I couldn’t begin to thank you. You and I have that relationship where we hate and love eachother so intensely. We don’t fight, but when we do it’s scathing, no matter how it happens. Yet, as personal as these moments get, I find myself talking about you and explaining who you are to people that don’t even know you. You are a huge part of my life and I am so glad tht I have gotten to the point (regardless of age and all of our other society based stipulations) where I truly know who you are. You amaze me. I see through that hard exterior. You know I do. I happened to be talking about you with Rita tonight, as I often do...and I realized once again how integral the part you play in my life really is.
So whatever snores. Thank you. You are one of the 8. Please love it.
***DISCLAIMER OVER! DON’T ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE, I TOLD YOU IT WAS FOR ARI!***
All of my friends serve this incredibly important function in my life.
I just wanted to highlight Rita tonight.
She started me on this journal. I read hers before she even got here. She allowed me to actually experience it.
Cuz see, with Rita...it was never about the site meter.
It was about the love of writing.
I have tried to put a guest book and comments on my page and while I think that that is totally appropriate for some journals, based on the writers purpose, I don’t think it is right for mine.
Rita taught me to write for me and as much as I don’t think that I open up nearly enough in here, I have sessions of writing where I find myself pouring out my soul.
So Rita has been the influence of this particular journal.
This girl just gets me.
She looks at me directly in the eye and before I can even conceptualize the thought of having a bad day, she says to me: “Are you alright?”
And I fucking hate that!
I always respond with “Yes. Are YOU alright?”
Then 20 minutes later I am down and out in my so called Beverly Hills life and I say "Fine, I suck today.".
She just knows.
She gives great advice, she has a great laugh, and she is the first person that I have spent 18 hours a day with, every day, and never bores me.
Tonight, for example, we came home knowing that we were having wine...despite the fact that she battled a headache and post -Billy Blanks Tai Bo - recovery all day. She’s crazy.
She also ate an entire bag of Haribo Raspberries today and felt so physically nautious and full of guilt that every sentence began with “Hi, I ate all of the raspberries in my special bag, um...sorry bout that....do you want me to fax that donor opportunity to the president of the board.”
Seriously, she made herself ill. And I laughed all day.
As quoted by Rita in an email around 11am this morning:
“Joe, I made a mistake. I bought a bag of Haribo Raspberries and ate the entire thing just now. Forgive me baby Jesus. I just ate em and ate em and now I am sick.”
So I laugh and think: "You weigh 17 ounces and need to have this experience every morning before 11am.” Wait..."You ate that entire bag before 11am?"
hahahha
please I drink a bottle of pepsi on my way to my shower.
BTW...Kelly has been swimming alot lately and has really huge biceps.
No, I am not kidding.
They are better than mine.
Um...do I want Kelly cuz she is a bodybuilder?
interesting...
So yeah...I started this thing wanting to say how great Rita is and instead I go on and on about how she’s ridiculous.
hahahahaha
oh.
BTW...why am I hahahaha’ing all the time now. It’s not like I am sitting in my chair and literally hahahahahaha’ing? As Rita says: “Stop writing to me in your fake ass emoticon faces.”
Okay, she never said it like that (cuz we are polite middle class citizens), but the point was taken.
A couple months ago we created nicknames.
Hers in Ladle
and
Mine is Boobie.
I know it’s strange and doesn’t make sense, but to us, when it is said...it does. It really does.
Everything’s okay if its:
“Goodnight Boobie”
and in response
“Goodnight Ladle”.
Truthfully.
I am totally satisfied and in some ways personally moved by how wonderful my weekend was.
I had tonight
and
Rita made it the best.
We got home at 6pm and sat in front of the television, without it even turned on, and talked for 4 straight hours.
Then she had to go to bed.
Just talked.
My housemates are bomb. They really are. They are my best friends in the world and I defintiely couldn’t have asked for a better people to share this time with.
While we all struggle and fall...these are the people that are going to pick you up and (sometimes literally) put you back on your feet.
I am lucky.
Gosh, after all this, how can I ever write about my life being shit?
Everything is changing right before my eyes.
I mean, I know that with this journal I am notorious for saying that “things are changing” and that I am due for some sort of comeback within my life.
But I feel like this time it’s for real.
I know this sounds stupid, but I work at the Gap. I mean, Joe Cuttheshit works at the Gap.
Joe Cuttheshit doesn’t work at the Gap. Joe Cuttheshit doesn’t work a second job period.
But here I am...trying my best to guide my life into a healthier direction. A life filled with no booze, no slack time, and no life that isn’t anything, but productive.
Tonight was my one night off. I am sort of understanding how Kelly feels when she has to work every single night knowing that she can only see her roommates once a week or so...
Weird, cuz before I didn’t get that and now I kinda do.
Last night, when I found out that I wouldn’t have to work this evening, I thought “FUCKING YES! I can get drunk with Rita and not feel guilty for doing it!” I can earn my night of drinking instead of relying on it.
You see...
I don’t think that I am addicted (you could get...addicted) to alcohol; I think I am addicted to the feeling I get hanging out with my friends while having a few beers on the table.
Going into tonight, I knew that this was my night to drink. I knew deep down that it couldn’t be CRAZY and go all night because it’s a Thursday and there is work to do tomorrow, but at the same time, I looked forward to tonight as though it was my own personal weekend.
I have to work at my day job tomorrow and at the Gap for just about all of Friday and Saturday.
I am used to having one night watching movies and one night going out on the town.
Wow. Everything’s changing.
I had the most amazing time with Rita tonight. We discussed some very personal issues that are plaguing both of our otherwise perfect lives. Lots of shit has been going on with the three housemates lately and none of it is “journal business” at this point. Eventually I will spill the beans, but for now, the three of us are really finding ourselves in not only the city, but in our personal lives as well.
We are learning, very gradually, what our purpose is in this great big world. I know it sounds lame, but it is so tragically true. I count on the fact that those who read my journal understand that this is a journal and that there is so much more going on behind the scenes. It’s focused on what I see in my every day life as well as how I feel feel expressing myself on that given day.
So I have just inundated you with non-sequential bullshit, but I think that you understand my freeverse.
tangent.
whatever.
I love my Rita. In a way that would make a grown man cry. A big hairy trucker grown man even.
I don’t wax philosophic nearly enough about her.
At this point in my life, I find myself as a cojoined twin.
Siamese baby if you will.
Rita and I work together, come home together, go out together, have the same friends, watch movies together, buy underwear together, and even call out the fact that we are at that moment taking our daily shit.
It’s a little bizarre and somewhat cartoonish at the same time.
I am constantly writing in here about the levels that Kelly and I are conquering, yet Rita remains a complete mystery. All that is ever said is that she is funny and likes BBQ and got me hooked on this journal.
But in all reality, she is ties it all together.
Kelly and Rita serve very different purposes in my life.
Kelly knows me in one way
and
Rita knows me in another.
Both of them are one of 8 people that mean the world to me. 8 people that comprise my entire existence on this planet. If all of them were to die in some freak ridiculous accident, I would be forced to kill my own person, because I would have no one.
I don’t think I need to explain who these people are, because that would make this even that much more staged and cliche, but I do need to say that yes Ari, I consider you one of these 8 people.
***DISCLAIMER---IF YOU ARE NOT ARI FEEL FREE TO SLIP THIS PART ENTIRELY***
You are my NYC life. At least at this point. I know you and I have thus begun to understand you. You have taught me so much about myself that I couldn’t begin to thank you. You and I have that relationship where we hate and love eachother so intensely. We don’t fight, but when we do it’s scathing, no matter how it happens. Yet, as personal as these moments get, I find myself talking about you and explaining who you are to people that don’t even know you. You are a huge part of my life and I am so glad tht I have gotten to the point (regardless of age and all of our other society based stipulations) where I truly know who you are. You amaze me. I see through that hard exterior. You know I do. I happened to be talking about you with Rita tonight, as I often do...and I realized once again how integral the part you play in my life really is.
So whatever snores. Thank you. You are one of the 8. Please love it.
***DISCLAIMER OVER! DON’T ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE, I TOLD YOU IT WAS FOR ARI!***
All of my friends serve this incredibly important function in my life.
I just wanted to highlight Rita tonight.
She started me on this journal. I read hers before she even got here. She allowed me to actually experience it.
Cuz see, with Rita...it was never about the site meter.
It was about the love of writing.
I have tried to put a guest book and comments on my page and while I think that that is totally appropriate for some journals, based on the writers purpose, I don’t think it is right for mine.
Rita taught me to write for me and as much as I don’t think that I open up nearly enough in here, I have sessions of writing where I find myself pouring out my soul.
So Rita has been the influence of this particular journal.
This girl just gets me.
She looks at me directly in the eye and before I can even conceptualize the thought of having a bad day, she says to me: “Are you alright?”
And I fucking hate that!
I always respond with “Yes. Are YOU alright?”
Then 20 minutes later I am down and out in my so called Beverly Hills life and I say "Fine, I suck today.".
She just knows.
She gives great advice, she has a great laugh, and she is the first person that I have spent 18 hours a day with, every day, and never bores me.
Tonight, for example, we came home knowing that we were having wine...despite the fact that she battled a headache and post -Billy Blanks Tai Bo - recovery all day. She’s crazy.
She also ate an entire bag of Haribo Raspberries today and felt so physically nautious and full of guilt that every sentence began with “Hi, I ate all of the raspberries in my special bag, um...sorry bout that....do you want me to fax that donor opportunity to the president of the board.”
Seriously, she made herself ill. And I laughed all day.
As quoted by Rita in an email around 11am this morning:
“Joe, I made a mistake. I bought a bag of Haribo Raspberries and ate the entire thing just now. Forgive me baby Jesus. I just ate em and ate em and now I am sick.”
So I laugh and think: "You weigh 17 ounces and need to have this experience every morning before 11am.” Wait..."You ate that entire bag before 11am?"
hahahha
please I drink a bottle of pepsi on my way to my shower.
BTW...Kelly has been swimming alot lately and has really huge biceps.
No, I am not kidding.
They are better than mine.
Um...do I want Kelly cuz she is a bodybuilder?
interesting...
So yeah...I started this thing wanting to say how great Rita is and instead I go on and on about how she’s ridiculous.
hahahahaha
oh.
BTW...why am I hahahaha’ing all the time now. It’s not like I am sitting in my chair and literally hahahahahaha’ing? As Rita says: “Stop writing to me in your fake ass emoticon faces.”
Okay, she never said it like that (cuz we are polite middle class citizens), but the point was taken.
A couple months ago we created nicknames.
Hers in Ladle
and
Mine is Boobie.
I know it’s strange and doesn’t make sense, but to us, when it is said...it does. It really does.
Everything’s okay if its:
“Goodnight Boobie”
and in response
“Goodnight Ladle”.
Truthfully.
I am totally satisfied and in some ways personally moved by how wonderful my weekend was.
I had tonight
and
Rita made it the best.
We got home at 6pm and sat in front of the television, without it even turned on, and talked for 4 straight hours.
Then she had to go to bed.
Just talked.
My housemates are bomb. They really are. They are my best friends in the world and I defintiely couldn’t have asked for a better people to share this time with.
While we all struggle and fall...these are the people that are going to pick you up and (sometimes literally) put you back on your feet.
I am lucky.
Gosh, after all this, how can I ever write about my life being shit?
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What a couple of days! I mean, DAYIM!
I am officially an employee at the Gap. I had my orientation on Tuesday night and last night I worked my first shift. I was most nervous that my co-workers were going to be assholes and unwilling to help me in learning the ropes.
When I first moved to NYC, I transferred from a Boston TGIFriday's to a Manhattan TGIFriday's and the experience was nothing short of hell; mostly because the people treated me like stank garbage.
But the people at the Gap were wonderful to me. They were friendly and helpful and I even got asked out on a date!
This girl Dolores (btw she is 19 years old) asked her friend Pillar if she would ask me if I had a girlfriend and/or to a movie. I was very flattered, but soon realized that nobody had any idea that I am gay and that I was going to have to make a decision as to how I am going to play this all out. I mean, I don't give a shit if they know I am gay, but now I have given them the impression that I am straight and blah blah lame-o blah.
In conclusion, I said I was in a "relationship", but it was in no way as ambiguous as it sounds. They all think I am straight.
Plus! Where are the rest of the gay people that work at the Gap? Isn't that what the Gap is known for? Or is it Banana Republic that is known for gays?
I work with mostly Latinas, but some black guys/girls too. They all treated me with nothing but respect and at no point did I feel uncomfortable or out of the loop. I was quite relieved.
However, the job is fucking hard! I mean, standing on your feet for the entire shift, on top of folding clothes over and over and over and over and over and over and, yeah you get the point. I didn't even know how to fold when I walked in the door last night. Now I get the jist of it, but it's still not one of my strongest of suits.
Folding pants is easy, but the turtlenecks? That shit be hard! Every pile of clothes I made looked like someone had shit them out of their ass.
Whatever, I'll learn.
I do get a discount of 50% off on all their clothing! FUCKING AWESOME! But the discount is limited to a certain number of items a month and at no time am I allowed to give it to anyone else. I must use my own debit card when making the purchase and if I am caught buying female clothes with my discount, I get fired on the spot. They call it "Discount Delinquency" or "Discount Fraud" or something equally as cheesy.
I am off tonight, which is awesome because I SERIOUSLY need a glass of wine and at least 7 beers.
Probably the worst part of the job is the schedule.
Here is what I have to deal with this weekend:
Friday: 6-11pm
Saturday: 7-9am (Cash Register Training) then again from 6-11pm.
Sunday: 7-9am (All staff Holiday meeting) At 7 fucking am???? What the jizz is that????
So essentially I will be getting up earlier this weekend then I do normally for my full time job. Ah geez.
It's all good. I promised myself that if at any point I can't handle it anymore or I just despise it with my every being, I will just quit. I am going to do my best to stick it out for as long as I can. But if I don't think that I have an "out" with this thing, it will destroy me and fast.
So that's that!
WELCOME TO THE GAP!
Everything else in my life is pretty snores for right now. Paul will be moving to NYC in 10 days. OH YAYAYAYAYAYAY!
I can't believe it. The good thing about the Gap is that it is three stops from Paul's new apartment. It will take me about 15 minutes to get there. Not bad, eh? Everything is really working out in that area. He comes in Monday to sign his lease and then it's time for lovin.
And maybe some sex.
I mean, am I really going to be a 26 year old virgin? That is just about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. I thought that being a 25 year old virgin was crazy, but 26????
YIPES!
Stripes.
Fruit stripes gum.
Just stick it in me already.
sheesh.
So...what else?
Our good friend, Angie, is moving to Chiapas, Mexico in a couple of weeks. Angie has lived either with us, or upstairs from us, since we moved to NYC. She is Kelly's ex-girlfriend and one of my oldest and most favorite friends. It is going to be incredibly sad to see her go. Especially for Kelly.
Angie has decided that she wants to go to Chiapas for 6 months to have the experience of her life. She will be teaching poor kids how to take pictures with a digital camera and then post them on the internet.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am serious.
And then Angie will leave Chiapas, take her camera with her, and the kids will be left with nothing, but memories.
Hm.
yeah.
Great educational program.
Angie will be back in NYC sometime next summer.
Kelly is trying to get all of us together on Monday night so that we can take her out for drinks and the such. I am probably going to have to work at the Gap and that pisses me off, cuz I don't want to miss out on the event. I am really hoping that with the grace of God, I will get scheduled every other day and not that day. It will be the last time I see Angie for awhile. Who knows.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
I told Paul about the get together since he will be in NYC on Monday to sign his lease. He was like "If I stay in the city that night, I will go to Angie's thing."
I'm like: "If I have to work that night, you will not be going to Angie's thing."
Of course that comment resulted in a fight and I haven't decided yet if he is allowed to go. I mean, of COURSE he can go. But I don't want to miss out on something with MY friend that he gets to be a part of. Plus, I am not about to get out of work on Monday and have him be completely trashed from having hung out with everyone else. I told him to go back to Boston right after he signed his lease. Real mature of me, I know. But whoever said that I had to be mature when it came to my relationship with Paul? I think I have proven myself to be QUITE the psycho when it comes to how I react to him during most of our conversations.
So that's that.
I want Angie to be happy and when it comes down to it, if Paul is going to be in the city, he can go to her thing.
But he can also stay overnight at her place, cuz I am not about to have him jamming his drunk fingers in my sober ass when I get home.
Ari was just reading an article that called "Sisco (thong thong thong lame thong)" an openly gay music artist.
WHAT??????????
I don't EVER remember Sisco saying that he was gay.
I mean, of COURSE he's gay. But please don't tell me that he is doing anything in the way of trailblazing for future gay artists.
The kid's an ugly, horrible bitch that does complete injustice to anything respectable. Please don't let him get kudos for this.
MMMMM....kudos.
Member them?
I remember when I was in middle school that if you had a Kudos in your lunch, you were the cool kid at school. I always had those nasty orange peanut butter filled crackers. I mean, I ate them all in one bite, cuz I was gigantor, but still....
As you see, I was not the cool kid in my school.
I was a fat spikey haired gay kid.
with cheesy crackers.
Wow. I am so glad that I look and act the way I do now.
(Rita hates it when I talk about what a horrible beast I was when I was little)
(It makes her sad)
(it makes me glad to be 25)
What else....
Tonight I get drunk! Can you believe I haven't had a drink since last Saturday? I feel healthy and alive and ready to get blasted! I have actually earned it this week. I mean, now that I work two jobs and all.
hahahaha. pth.
AIGHT!
Guess that is it for now.
Peace be with you my little gaylords.
What a couple of days! I mean, DAYIM!
I am officially an employee at the Gap. I had my orientation on Tuesday night and last night I worked my first shift. I was most nervous that my co-workers were going to be assholes and unwilling to help me in learning the ropes.
When I first moved to NYC, I transferred from a Boston TGIFriday's to a Manhattan TGIFriday's and the experience was nothing short of hell; mostly because the people treated me like stank garbage.
But the people at the Gap were wonderful to me. They were friendly and helpful and I even got asked out on a date!
This girl Dolores (btw she is 19 years old) asked her friend Pillar if she would ask me if I had a girlfriend and/or to a movie. I was very flattered, but soon realized that nobody had any idea that I am gay and that I was going to have to make a decision as to how I am going to play this all out. I mean, I don't give a shit if they know I am gay, but now I have given them the impression that I am straight and blah blah lame-o blah.
In conclusion, I said I was in a "relationship", but it was in no way as ambiguous as it sounds. They all think I am straight.
Plus! Where are the rest of the gay people that work at the Gap? Isn't that what the Gap is known for? Or is it Banana Republic that is known for gays?
I work with mostly Latinas, but some black guys/girls too. They all treated me with nothing but respect and at no point did I feel uncomfortable or out of the loop. I was quite relieved.
However, the job is fucking hard! I mean, standing on your feet for the entire shift, on top of folding clothes over and over and over and over and over and over and, yeah you get the point. I didn't even know how to fold when I walked in the door last night. Now I get the jist of it, but it's still not one of my strongest of suits.
Folding pants is easy, but the turtlenecks? That shit be hard! Every pile of clothes I made looked like someone had shit them out of their ass.
Whatever, I'll learn.
I do get a discount of 50% off on all their clothing! FUCKING AWESOME! But the discount is limited to a certain number of items a month and at no time am I allowed to give it to anyone else. I must use my own debit card when making the purchase and if I am caught buying female clothes with my discount, I get fired on the spot. They call it "Discount Delinquency" or "Discount Fraud" or something equally as cheesy.
I am off tonight, which is awesome because I SERIOUSLY need a glass of wine and at least 7 beers.
Probably the worst part of the job is the schedule.
Here is what I have to deal with this weekend:
Friday: 6-11pm
Saturday: 7-9am (Cash Register Training) then again from 6-11pm.
Sunday: 7-9am (All staff Holiday meeting) At 7 fucking am???? What the jizz is that????
So essentially I will be getting up earlier this weekend then I do normally for my full time job. Ah geez.
It's all good. I promised myself that if at any point I can't handle it anymore or I just despise it with my every being, I will just quit. I am going to do my best to stick it out for as long as I can. But if I don't think that I have an "out" with this thing, it will destroy me and fast.
So that's that!
WELCOME TO THE GAP!
Everything else in my life is pretty snores for right now. Paul will be moving to NYC in 10 days. OH YAYAYAYAYAYAY!
I can't believe it. The good thing about the Gap is that it is three stops from Paul's new apartment. It will take me about 15 minutes to get there. Not bad, eh? Everything is really working out in that area. He comes in Monday to sign his lease and then it's time for lovin.
And maybe some sex.
I mean, am I really going to be a 26 year old virgin? That is just about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. I thought that being a 25 year old virgin was crazy, but 26????
YIPES!
Stripes.
Fruit stripes gum.
Just stick it in me already.
sheesh.
So...what else?
Our good friend, Angie, is moving to Chiapas, Mexico in a couple of weeks. Angie has lived either with us, or upstairs from us, since we moved to NYC. She is Kelly's ex-girlfriend and one of my oldest and most favorite friends. It is going to be incredibly sad to see her go. Especially for Kelly.
Angie has decided that she wants to go to Chiapas for 6 months to have the experience of her life. She will be teaching poor kids how to take pictures with a digital camera and then post them on the internet.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am serious.
And then Angie will leave Chiapas, take her camera with her, and the kids will be left with nothing, but memories.
Hm.
yeah.
Great educational program.
Angie will be back in NYC sometime next summer.
Kelly is trying to get all of us together on Monday night so that we can take her out for drinks and the such. I am probably going to have to work at the Gap and that pisses me off, cuz I don't want to miss out on the event. I am really hoping that with the grace of God, I will get scheduled every other day and not that day. It will be the last time I see Angie for awhile. Who knows.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
I told Paul about the get together since he will be in NYC on Monday to sign his lease. He was like "If I stay in the city that night, I will go to Angie's thing."
I'm like: "If I have to work that night, you will not be going to Angie's thing."
Of course that comment resulted in a fight and I haven't decided yet if he is allowed to go. I mean, of COURSE he can go. But I don't want to miss out on something with MY friend that he gets to be a part of. Plus, I am not about to get out of work on Monday and have him be completely trashed from having hung out with everyone else. I told him to go back to Boston right after he signed his lease. Real mature of me, I know. But whoever said that I had to be mature when it came to my relationship with Paul? I think I have proven myself to be QUITE the psycho when it comes to how I react to him during most of our conversations.
So that's that.
I want Angie to be happy and when it comes down to it, if Paul is going to be in the city, he can go to her thing.
But he can also stay overnight at her place, cuz I am not about to have him jamming his drunk fingers in my sober ass when I get home.
Ari was just reading an article that called "Sisco (thong thong thong lame thong)" an openly gay music artist.
WHAT??????????
I don't EVER remember Sisco saying that he was gay.
I mean, of COURSE he's gay. But please don't tell me that he is doing anything in the way of trailblazing for future gay artists.
The kid's an ugly, horrible bitch that does complete injustice to anything respectable. Please don't let him get kudos for this.
MMMMM....kudos.
Member them?
I remember when I was in middle school that if you had a Kudos in your lunch, you were the cool kid at school. I always had those nasty orange peanut butter filled crackers. I mean, I ate them all in one bite, cuz I was gigantor, but still....
As you see, I was not the cool kid in my school.
I was a fat spikey haired gay kid.
with cheesy crackers.
Wow. I am so glad that I look and act the way I do now.
(Rita hates it when I talk about what a horrible beast I was when I was little)
(It makes her sad)
(it makes me glad to be 25)
What else....
Tonight I get drunk! Can you believe I haven't had a drink since last Saturday? I feel healthy and alive and ready to get blasted! I have actually earned it this week. I mean, now that I work two jobs and all.
hahahaha. pth.
AIGHT!
Guess that is it for now.
Peace be with you my little gaylords.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
Just got back from buying a new sweater to wear to my first shift at the Gap. It is simple, yet elegant. And it cost me 40 fucking dollars! It was like the cheapest thing they had. Why is it that in order to start a new job, one has to pay money, whether it be for new attire, equipment, or briefcases?
Like I would ever need a briefcase for any of the jobs I apply for.
Wish me luck!
My fingers are already starting to bleed thinking about the amount of clothes they will be folding.
I LOVE my life!!!
Like I would ever need a briefcase for any of the jobs I apply for.
Wish me luck!
My fingers are already starting to bleed thinking about the amount of clothes they will be folding.
I LOVE my life!!!
Okay...just got another email back from my dad. They are definitely NOT coming down for Thanksgiving. So unless I get off Wednesday night at the Gap, I will not be able to spend the holiday with them.
Hmmmm....that breaks my heart.
But if that's the decision that they have made, then that is the decision they have made. I will do my own thing and pretend like the event isn't even happening.
Sounds like a plan to me.
Wow.
Getting older really sucks.
Hmmmm....that breaks my heart.
But if that's the decision that they have made, then that is the decision they have made. I will do my own thing and pretend like the event isn't even happening.
Sounds like a plan to me.
Wow.
Getting older really sucks.
Back at work having had quite the long weekend.
Was out yesterday due to the migraine from hell. It's still not completely gone, but I can feel it dissipating with each minute. I spent 48 hours laying in bed holding my head. It was the most fun. NO! The most fun was when I was waiting for the subway yesterday...
I was standing there, nautious as fuck, when suddenly a burp of vomit came into my mouth and spewed onto my nice work pants. I was mortified and when two nice ladies asked me if I was okay. I screamed "I'm FINE! I'M FINE!!!!" and ran away as fast as possible. Back to bed I went.
Saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding this weekend. It was pretty good. Not what I expected and not nearly as entertaining as I thought it would be. But glad I saw it! Now I never have to again! :-D
Other than that the weekend was pretty snores. Kelly, Rita and I got blasted in our apartment on Saturday night and that's always fun.
Paul has decided to definitly take the East Village apartment and will be moving in on December 1st as planned. That is one week from Sunday! It is actually happening! I have to admit, when I think about it I get very happy inside. It is like the best thing to happen since pizza with bleu cheese. Two years of waiting...and now 10 more days until it is a reality!
I have yet to see the apartment, but for the amount of money they spent on it, I know it will be beautiful. I was told that it is very small as most village apartments are, but as long as he is happy, I am happy.
I am not going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving due to my new job at the Gap. It will be my first Thanksgiving not in my house in Albany, which is weird and makes me sad. I mentioned this to my parents last week and my mom said that they were going to try to figure things out so that we could do Thanksgiving at my house in NYC. That made me feel so good. Then I come into work today to get an email from my dad that says:
"Not having you home for Thanksgiving is a real downer for all of us, but it is really not surprising with a retail job...no way you'd get out of Black Friday tho I did think you could get home Weds and head back Thurs evening...but you gotta do what you gotta do..."
Does this mean that they AREN'T coming down for the holiday? If so, that was a pretty shitty way of telling me. Whatever. I'm not going to think about it. Worst case scenario, I rent movies and watch them in the house alone. Fine with me. Kelly invited me to go to dinner with her family, but I really don't want to do that. I absolutely adore her family. They are the best. But spending the holiday with anyone other than Paul or my family is not something I want to do. I don't know. It sucks, but I have dealt with it and it will be fine. My brother will be spending his birthday and Thanksgiving stuck out in a marsh with nothing to eat, but military food and water. If he can suffer through this holiday in the freezing rain, I can surely suck it up in my warm apartment. Right?
Right.
And maybe I am wrong. Maybe they are still planning on coming down. Who knows.
I have training at the Gap tonight from 5-9pm. Last thing I want to do on the planet is go to the fucking Gap from 5-9pm.
Once I am there I will be glad that I went. Gets me out of the house and will definitly give me the chance to meet some new people. Not that I am concerned with that. I like having 4 friends in NYC. It pretty much....
yeah it sucks.
Alright...this journal is pissing me off today. It's like everything I write is reminding me what a frustrating existence I have.
Maybe that's my cue to sign off.
Will be back when I am more ready to take on some of the issues mentioned in this entry.
Was out yesterday due to the migraine from hell. It's still not completely gone, but I can feel it dissipating with each minute. I spent 48 hours laying in bed holding my head. It was the most fun. NO! The most fun was when I was waiting for the subway yesterday...
I was standing there, nautious as fuck, when suddenly a burp of vomit came into my mouth and spewed onto my nice work pants. I was mortified and when two nice ladies asked me if I was okay. I screamed "I'm FINE! I'M FINE!!!!" and ran away as fast as possible. Back to bed I went.
Saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding this weekend. It was pretty good. Not what I expected and not nearly as entertaining as I thought it would be. But glad I saw it! Now I never have to again! :-D
Other than that the weekend was pretty snores. Kelly, Rita and I got blasted in our apartment on Saturday night and that's always fun.
Paul has decided to definitly take the East Village apartment and will be moving in on December 1st as planned. That is one week from Sunday! It is actually happening! I have to admit, when I think about it I get very happy inside. It is like the best thing to happen since pizza with bleu cheese. Two years of waiting...and now 10 more days until it is a reality!
I have yet to see the apartment, but for the amount of money they spent on it, I know it will be beautiful. I was told that it is very small as most village apartments are, but as long as he is happy, I am happy.
I am not going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving due to my new job at the Gap. It will be my first Thanksgiving not in my house in Albany, which is weird and makes me sad. I mentioned this to my parents last week and my mom said that they were going to try to figure things out so that we could do Thanksgiving at my house in NYC. That made me feel so good. Then I come into work today to get an email from my dad that says:
"Not having you home for Thanksgiving is a real downer for all of us, but it is really not surprising with a retail job...no way you'd get out of Black Friday tho I did think you could get home Weds and head back Thurs evening...but you gotta do what you gotta do..."
Does this mean that they AREN'T coming down for the holiday? If so, that was a pretty shitty way of telling me. Whatever. I'm not going to think about it. Worst case scenario, I rent movies and watch them in the house alone. Fine with me. Kelly invited me to go to dinner with her family, but I really don't want to do that. I absolutely adore her family. They are the best. But spending the holiday with anyone other than Paul or my family is not something I want to do. I don't know. It sucks, but I have dealt with it and it will be fine. My brother will be spending his birthday and Thanksgiving stuck out in a marsh with nothing to eat, but military food and water. If he can suffer through this holiday in the freezing rain, I can surely suck it up in my warm apartment. Right?
Right.
And maybe I am wrong. Maybe they are still planning on coming down. Who knows.
I have training at the Gap tonight from 5-9pm. Last thing I want to do on the planet is go to the fucking Gap from 5-9pm.
Once I am there I will be glad that I went. Gets me out of the house and will definitly give me the chance to meet some new people. Not that I am concerned with that. I like having 4 friends in NYC. It pretty much....
yeah it sucks.
Alright...this journal is pissing me off today. It's like everything I write is reminding me what a frustrating existence I have.
Maybe that's my cue to sign off.
Will be back when I am more ready to take on some of the issues mentioned in this entry.
Thursday, November 14, 2002
I have a patch of dry skin on my face that will never go away. No amount of lotion or steroid cream seems to kill it.
It is this big: O
I hate it more than I hate just about anything else on my body. Well, to be honest, it's a toss up between the dry patch and the spare tire I got resting on my waist. Both combined make me one fiercely ugly bwah!
Paul is out looking at apartments right now. I wish he would just settle on one already! I want to start picking out things for the house. I told him last night that I was fully building things for his apartment a la TRADING SPACES. I am going to put on my best "Hilde" costume and go to town. But in order to do that the kid needs to settle on a place. He keeps thinking he will find one that is just that much better.
ARGH!
Do you have any idea how happy I am during the day when I know that I will be seeing Paul later on in the night? I mean, just about THE happiest boy on the planet. Pretty soon I will have everyone I love the most all in one place. Kelly, Rita, Paul, Mariah...ROCK!
Last night he and I went to KFC and housed a family size bucket of garbage. I am in no way a fan of KFC, but after smoking the biggest joint humanely possible, the chicken tasted just that much better. Plus I doused it in Blue Cheese so that I would be able to meet my calcuim requirements for the day.
You know.
It makes sense.
Really.
Yeah, I am a FAT ass.
With blue cheese legs.
Penelope went to the dentist and I am at work alone now. Well, Rita is here, but she is in her office with her best friend Debbie. They are sucking on cough drops together.
yew!
Rita and I are going to go to this gay bar "Albatross" for happy hour. Paul is going to see a couple more places and then meet us there for a few more vodka tonics. I will only be having juice as I will be driving there.
BOO WAH!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Never ever ever will that be the case.
Today has been the most draggingest day of my life. Work blows and I can't fucking wait to escape from here.
It's just about 4:15pm and I watch the clock tick by in manner of something
slow.
Yeah!
Wow. I am so incredibly snoresville today. I have no sense of humor, nothing clever to contribute...
But at least I haven't talked about shitting or pissing. I know how some of you get squemish about poop and pee.
Just try eating some. It will cure you from being grossed out by it.
:-X
Tomorrow night the movie Pumping Iron will be on Cinemax. You KNOW I will be taping that shit. It's like my own personal porno. I love the fact that all of these huge bodybuilder guys thought that they were making the movie to educate the world on the mechanics of the sport of bodybuilding.
SUCKERS!
I will sit there naked and pulling on my dick to show my understanding!
Maybe I will even play with my balls too, just to give them that extra zing!
ZING!
These are the things I want to do this weekend:
1) Go see a movie and drink a 40 while it is showing.
2) Piss in a cup like I did while watching "The Ring". (I mean, do YOU want to miss part of a movie just to use the bathroom?)
3) Hang with Mariah and her roommate Joanna. Rita and I are hoping that they will return my calls and get some drinks with us. It's been TOO long since we have all been together.
4) Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
5) Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep - the w + an L = (more) Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
6) Figure out a way to hook up my playstation. I miss playing video games.
7) Rub my balls on Rita's face.
NO JOKE! One time, I was drunk, but not nearly as drunk as Rita. She was sitting on the couch on the verge of passing out and I went over to her, unzipped my pants and rubbed my bag of balls all over her face. After about 2 minutes of this, she raised her head and was like "Wha?"
I said: "Go back to sleep...I am rubbing my balls on your face."
She said: "Ok. Carry on" and went back to passing out.
So of course, I "Carried on" by continuing to rub the bag up and down her left cheek.
If you know Rita, you know that she is SO serious about what touches her face. She has a face washing regimine that takes about an hour to do. She would NEVER, no matter how wasted she is, forget to wash and cleanse her skin.
But that night, she went to bed with at least two of my pubes resting high and proud on her cheekbone.
SICK!
I don't know what I am more sorry for...actually rubbing my balls on her face, or for telling the story in here.
Good thing she is such a good sport about it all.
Good thing, cuz I am doing it again to her this weekend.
(sssh...don't tell her that I am keeping this journal. That way she will never know!)
Alright...this entry today is full of nothing, but ridiculousness. I must go and finish up some shit before I leave this hell hole!
PEAYCE!
and a bag of balls.
It is this big: O
I hate it more than I hate just about anything else on my body. Well, to be honest, it's a toss up between the dry patch and the spare tire I got resting on my waist. Both combined make me one fiercely ugly bwah!
Paul is out looking at apartments right now. I wish he would just settle on one already! I want to start picking out things for the house. I told him last night that I was fully building things for his apartment a la TRADING SPACES. I am going to put on my best "Hilde" costume and go to town. But in order to do that the kid needs to settle on a place. He keeps thinking he will find one that is just that much better.
ARGH!
Do you have any idea how happy I am during the day when I know that I will be seeing Paul later on in the night? I mean, just about THE happiest boy on the planet. Pretty soon I will have everyone I love the most all in one place. Kelly, Rita, Paul, Mariah...ROCK!
Last night he and I went to KFC and housed a family size bucket of garbage. I am in no way a fan of KFC, but after smoking the biggest joint humanely possible, the chicken tasted just that much better. Plus I doused it in Blue Cheese so that I would be able to meet my calcuim requirements for the day.
You know.
It makes sense.
Really.
Yeah, I am a FAT ass.
With blue cheese legs.
Penelope went to the dentist and I am at work alone now. Well, Rita is here, but she is in her office with her best friend Debbie. They are sucking on cough drops together.
yew!
Rita and I are going to go to this gay bar "Albatross" for happy hour. Paul is going to see a couple more places and then meet us there for a few more vodka tonics. I will only be having juice as I will be driving there.
BOO WAH!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Never ever ever will that be the case.
Today has been the most draggingest day of my life. Work blows and I can't fucking wait to escape from here.
It's just about 4:15pm and I watch the clock tick by in manner of something
slow.
Yeah!
Wow. I am so incredibly snoresville today. I have no sense of humor, nothing clever to contribute...
But at least I haven't talked about shitting or pissing. I know how some of you get squemish about poop and pee.
Just try eating some. It will cure you from being grossed out by it.
:-X
Tomorrow night the movie Pumping Iron will be on Cinemax. You KNOW I will be taping that shit. It's like my own personal porno. I love the fact that all of these huge bodybuilder guys thought that they were making the movie to educate the world on the mechanics of the sport of bodybuilding.
SUCKERS!
I will sit there naked and pulling on my dick to show my understanding!
Maybe I will even play with my balls too, just to give them that extra zing!
ZING!
These are the things I want to do this weekend:
1) Go see a movie and drink a 40 while it is showing.
2) Piss in a cup like I did while watching "The Ring". (I mean, do YOU want to miss part of a movie just to use the bathroom?)
3) Hang with Mariah and her roommate Joanna. Rita and I are hoping that they will return my calls and get some drinks with us. It's been TOO long since we have all been together.
4) Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
5) Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep - the w + an L = (more) Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
6) Figure out a way to hook up my playstation. I miss playing video games.
7) Rub my balls on Rita's face.
NO JOKE! One time, I was drunk, but not nearly as drunk as Rita. She was sitting on the couch on the verge of passing out and I went over to her, unzipped my pants and rubbed my bag of balls all over her face. After about 2 minutes of this, she raised her head and was like "Wha?"
I said: "Go back to sleep...I am rubbing my balls on your face."
She said: "Ok. Carry on" and went back to passing out.
So of course, I "Carried on" by continuing to rub the bag up and down her left cheek.
If you know Rita, you know that she is SO serious about what touches her face. She has a face washing regimine that takes about an hour to do. She would NEVER, no matter how wasted she is, forget to wash and cleanse her skin.
But that night, she went to bed with at least two of my pubes resting high and proud on her cheekbone.
SICK!
I don't know what I am more sorry for...actually rubbing my balls on her face, or for telling the story in here.
Good thing she is such a good sport about it all.
Good thing, cuz I am doing it again to her this weekend.
(sssh...don't tell her that I am keeping this journal. That way she will never know!)
Alright...this entry today is full of nothing, but ridiculousness. I must go and finish up some shit before I leave this hell hole!
PEAYCE!
and a bag of balls.
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Sup peeps?!
Just ate the most wonderful roll with butter. It's my new thing now. I get a Vitamin Water and a roll with butter every morning. With all of the breakfast possibilities out there, why I have chosen to stick with this simple pleasure, is beyond me. But I eat it and I love it.
Had a great night last night.
I am now a proud employee of the Gap on the Upper East Side. I had my interview last night and it went smashing! I shmoozed my ass off and was able to snag the whole week of Christmas off. They were like: "We don't usually hire holiday staff if they are not able to work during the time around the holidays." I batted my eyelashes and made some jokes and then the lady was like: "You know what? Since you are so charming, we would be pleased to offer you the job regardless of Christmas week."
HA!
They are also paying me $9 an hour! ROCK OUT! They said the average pay at the Gap is like $7, but since I basically mind fucked the lady that interviewed me, she offered me more. Amazing!
Thank you to God for this job.
After that I went home and talked to Kelly about the show we are going to be putting up. We came up with some wonderful ideas and it really seems as though she and I are on the same page with everything. We are setting the tentative completion date for the show as March 1st. I am sure it will be a little before or after that date and as soon as I know more details, I will be posting all of the information on here. Cuz of COURSE you are going to want to come and see it. I just know it!
Once the talk was finished, Kelly made us some DAMN GOOD turkey burgers. It was my first time tasting such a thing. I think I may have had one in the past, but I remember hating it with all of my being. I am a burger kind of guy, so I get skeptical with things like veggie burgers and the like. But this burger was FINE and I asked it out on a date after Kelly went to bed.
While we were bullshitting, waiting for the burgers to be done, I read Kelly A Girl Named Bob's entry from two days ago. I was so moved by what she had written that I just had to share it with someone.
That Bob is quite a writer. I fully identify with alot of what she writes about. Especially now that her boyfriend has moved to California. When I got close to the end of her entry about the visit to Cali., I actually got a little choked up. I felt so sad for her. I have been in her place for the last two years. What with my boyfriend living in Boston and me in NYC. It is SO difficult to live like that.
I think that in the two years that Paul and I have lived in this long distance relationship, we have had two breakups, 2 instances of "cheating", and about 354 fights. All of this is just what I have done. Paul has never broken up with me or cheated on me. I have had a very difficult time in trying to figure out how to overcome the fact that we only see eachother once a month. But that is all changing! He will be here today to hopefully finalize a deal on a place. Then within weeks, he will be here and I will be able to see him every day if I want. (which is what I will probably do for the first month he's here due to the fact that I am finally going to have a REAL RELATIONSHIP!) MAN! I hope everyone in my life is as excited for me as I am for myself!!!!!!!!
He is supposed to be here today around 1pm. I actually have butterflies because I am so happy. :-D
It's going to be hard not to stick his dick right in my mouth.
I think my boss might think that was a bit lewd for the office.
Going to drop off Theo Huxtable upstairs and I will be back.
Just ate the most wonderful roll with butter. It's my new thing now. I get a Vitamin Water and a roll with butter every morning. With all of the breakfast possibilities out there, why I have chosen to stick with this simple pleasure, is beyond me. But I eat it and I love it.
Had a great night last night.
I am now a proud employee of the Gap on the Upper East Side. I had my interview last night and it went smashing! I shmoozed my ass off and was able to snag the whole week of Christmas off. They were like: "We don't usually hire holiday staff if they are not able to work during the time around the holidays." I batted my eyelashes and made some jokes and then the lady was like: "You know what? Since you are so charming, we would be pleased to offer you the job regardless of Christmas week."
HA!
They are also paying me $9 an hour! ROCK OUT! They said the average pay at the Gap is like $7, but since I basically mind fucked the lady that interviewed me, she offered me more. Amazing!
Thank you to God for this job.
After that I went home and talked to Kelly about the show we are going to be putting up. We came up with some wonderful ideas and it really seems as though she and I are on the same page with everything. We are setting the tentative completion date for the show as March 1st. I am sure it will be a little before or after that date and as soon as I know more details, I will be posting all of the information on here. Cuz of COURSE you are going to want to come and see it. I just know it!
Once the talk was finished, Kelly made us some DAMN GOOD turkey burgers. It was my first time tasting such a thing. I think I may have had one in the past, but I remember hating it with all of my being. I am a burger kind of guy, so I get skeptical with things like veggie burgers and the like. But this burger was FINE and I asked it out on a date after Kelly went to bed.
While we were bullshitting, waiting for the burgers to be done, I read Kelly A Girl Named Bob's entry from two days ago. I was so moved by what she had written that I just had to share it with someone.
That Bob is quite a writer. I fully identify with alot of what she writes about. Especially now that her boyfriend has moved to California. When I got close to the end of her entry about the visit to Cali., I actually got a little choked up. I felt so sad for her. I have been in her place for the last two years. What with my boyfriend living in Boston and me in NYC. It is SO difficult to live like that.
I think that in the two years that Paul and I have lived in this long distance relationship, we have had two breakups, 2 instances of "cheating", and about 354 fights. All of this is just what I have done. Paul has never broken up with me or cheated on me. I have had a very difficult time in trying to figure out how to overcome the fact that we only see eachother once a month. But that is all changing! He will be here today to hopefully finalize a deal on a place. Then within weeks, he will be here and I will be able to see him every day if I want. (which is what I will probably do for the first month he's here due to the fact that I am finally going to have a REAL RELATIONSHIP!) MAN! I hope everyone in my life is as excited for me as I am for myself!!!!!!!!
He is supposed to be here today around 1pm. I actually have butterflies because I am so happy. :-D
It's going to be hard not to stick his dick right in my mouth.
I think my boss might think that was a bit lewd for the office.
Going to drop off Theo Huxtable upstairs and I will be back.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
I wish it was Halloween again.
Why am I obsessed with this holiday all of a sudden?? Thanksgiving is just around the corner and all I can think about it how much I like Halloween. What am I Wiccan?
I am having Kelly and Rita make my drug deal for me tonight. What am I? The worst friend ever?
If they get busted and go to jail over it,
I am SO putting on their nicest dresses and walking around the house in their highest heels.
mmmmm....highest heels.
mmmmm....highest.
mmmmmmm...........mmmmmmmmmmmm.
I really don't got much to type in here right now, but wanted to spend the rest of the work day
killing time.
Now what to write about?
I just ate a chocolate chip cookie with nuts in it.
It was so-so.
asi asi.
yeah well, writing in my journal when I am this uncreative is really sick!
Enough is Enough!
Why am I obsessed with this holiday all of a sudden?? Thanksgiving is just around the corner and all I can think about it how much I like Halloween. What am I Wiccan?
I am having Kelly and Rita make my drug deal for me tonight. What am I? The worst friend ever?
If they get busted and go to jail over it,
I am SO putting on their nicest dresses and walking around the house in their highest heels.
mmmmm....highest heels.
mmmmm....highest.
mmmmmmm...........mmmmmmmmmmmm.
I really don't got much to type in here right now, but wanted to spend the rest of the work day
killing time.
Now what to write about?
I just ate a chocolate chip cookie with nuts in it.
It was so-so.
asi asi.
yeah well, writing in my journal when I am this uncreative is really sick!
Enough is Enough!
When I quit smoking a couple months ago, I made the mistake of telling people at work about it.
Since I started up again, my boss thinks it is his personal challenge to reprimand me for having cigarettes and is constantly going "Joe, what are you doing smoking? I can smell it!"
Just now, as Rita and I were going out for our morning smoke, we saw our boss waiting outside the front of the building. What he was doing just standing there staring is beyond me. I think he might be a little weird.
Well, anyway, Rita goes around the corner of the staircase and sees him and freezes in her tracks. She calls behind her "Joe, don't move...Teef is standing right outside the building."
I decide that it would be VERY covert of me to sneak a peak around the corner of the wall to see what he was doing. As I am staring at him, he (VERY CREEPILY) turns his head and looks me directly in the eye.
HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS THERE???
He points at me and motions for me to just come down the stairs. Because I don't want to deal with his "lecture" on why I should still be cigarette free, I looked at him in the eye and then just RAN up the stairs. I pretended as though I was getting my money out of my wallet for a bagel. Well, there was no need to pretend anything. He was gone when I came back down the stairs.
So essentially what I have done is:
a) Not get away with smoking
b) made myself look like an ass for RUNNING away
and
c) gotten a very tasty roll with butter.
YUM!
Since I started up again, my boss thinks it is his personal challenge to reprimand me for having cigarettes and is constantly going "Joe, what are you doing smoking? I can smell it!"
Just now, as Rita and I were going out for our morning smoke, we saw our boss waiting outside the front of the building. What he was doing just standing there staring is beyond me. I think he might be a little weird.
Well, anyway, Rita goes around the corner of the staircase and sees him and freezes in her tracks. She calls behind her "Joe, don't move...Teef is standing right outside the building."
I decide that it would be VERY covert of me to sneak a peak around the corner of the wall to see what he was doing. As I am staring at him, he (VERY CREEPILY) turns his head and looks me directly in the eye.
HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS THERE???
He points at me and motions for me to just come down the stairs. Because I don't want to deal with his "lecture" on why I should still be cigarette free, I looked at him in the eye and then just RAN up the stairs. I pretended as though I was getting my money out of my wallet for a bagel. Well, there was no need to pretend anything. He was gone when I came back down the stairs.
So essentially what I have done is:
a) Not get away with smoking
b) made myself look like an ass for RUNNING away
and
c) gotten a very tasty roll with butter.
YUM!
Why is it that I can sleep for 4 hours one night and feel totally refreshed, but last night I slept for at least 7 hours and have woken up as a zombie. My eyes are bleeding, my yawning is excruciatingly even more exhausting, and I feel like the muscles in my face are sagging onto my keyboard.
So tired today.
Maybe I need to go jerk one in the bathroom. That sometimes does the trick.
Having never been a coffee drinker, I have always hated the mornings. I don't DO coffee, cuz it is the only vice I have yet to pick up. At the age of 25, being a frequent drinker-constant masturbating-pothead seems to be enough. Oh and sometimes I do whip-its in the bathroom.
sike.
sorta sike.
These are the things I have to do today:
1) Get my haircut. Let me say for the UPTEENTH time in this journal: "I HATE getting my hair cut. HATE HATE HATE.
hate
2) Find something good to eat.
3) Go to my second interview at the GAP. HATE HATE HATE second interviews at the GAP.
like i have ever had one before.
4) Talk to Kelly about the show we will be producing/starring in/directing.
5) fart in my jeans again.
6) Change the sheets on my bed. WOW, do I need to do that. I am convinced that I have bugs nibbling on me during the night.
cuz where ARE those little bumps coming from?
7) eat a pussy
8) omigod imagine?
9) write a number 10
10) yay!
SHIT! 10 things to do today. UGH! How will I ever get them done?
Oooh...I gotta mail my bills from work now. oh, and also have a smoke.
Remember when I quit smoking? That was so ridiculous. I realize now that I am so much happier and cooler when I smoke.
Quite often I say to Rita and Kelly: "I think I am going to quit smoking for 2 weeks every month! Cuz when I start smoking again, I realize how much I truly missed it and love it." Welcome back to YOU lung cancer. Oh...and hi to you my dear gum disease.
You guys are the best!
There is a woman I work with that is a Reformed Rabbi. When she walks around the office, she stomps her feet in the manner of Optimus Prime.
She is full out Amazon.
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
Sometimes I think she is going to break her feet walking like that.
Sometimes when I am home when no one else is, I walk around on my tip toes.
I don't know why, but recently I have fallen in love with Bobby Valentine.
I have no idea why. I sit on the subway and stare at his picture in the Metrocard Advertisement and think that I love him.
I didn't even know who he was until he got fired from the Mets. Now I want him to take me out on a date to a very nice restaurant.
What is he? Like 65 years old?
But what a stud!
Great.
This bitch needs to eat and smoke.
Eat and smoke Bobby Valentine that is.
So tired today.
Maybe I need to go jerk one in the bathroom. That sometimes does the trick.
Having never been a coffee drinker, I have always hated the mornings. I don't DO coffee, cuz it is the only vice I have yet to pick up. At the age of 25, being a frequent drinker-constant masturbating-pothead seems to be enough. Oh and sometimes I do whip-its in the bathroom.
sike.
sorta sike.
These are the things I have to do today:
1) Get my haircut. Let me say for the UPTEENTH time in this journal: "I HATE getting my hair cut. HATE HATE HATE.
hate
2) Find something good to eat.
3) Go to my second interview at the GAP. HATE HATE HATE second interviews at the GAP.
like i have ever had one before.
4) Talk to Kelly about the show we will be producing/starring in/directing.
5) fart in my jeans again.
6) Change the sheets on my bed. WOW, do I need to do that. I am convinced that I have bugs nibbling on me during the night.
cuz where ARE those little bumps coming from?
7) eat a pussy
8) omigod imagine?
9) write a number 10
10) yay!
SHIT! 10 things to do today. UGH! How will I ever get them done?
Oooh...I gotta mail my bills from work now. oh, and also have a smoke.
Remember when I quit smoking? That was so ridiculous. I realize now that I am so much happier and cooler when I smoke.
Quite often I say to Rita and Kelly: "I think I am going to quit smoking for 2 weeks every month! Cuz when I start smoking again, I realize how much I truly missed it and love it." Welcome back to YOU lung cancer. Oh...and hi to you my dear gum disease.
You guys are the best!
There is a woman I work with that is a Reformed Rabbi. When she walks around the office, she stomps her feet in the manner of Optimus Prime.
She is full out Amazon.
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
Sometimes I think she is going to break her feet walking like that.
Sometimes when I am home when no one else is, I walk around on my tip toes.
I don't know why, but recently I have fallen in love with Bobby Valentine.
I have no idea why. I sit on the subway and stare at his picture in the Metrocard Advertisement and think that I love him.
I didn't even know who he was until he got fired from the Mets. Now I want him to take me out on a date to a very nice restaurant.
What is he? Like 65 years old?
But what a stud!
Great.
This bitch needs to eat and smoke.
Eat and smoke Bobby Valentine that is.
Monday, November 11, 2002
Also, insert the word "Milksop; sop" for the word "botard".
Just in case you hadn't heard, I wanted to let you know that "Jenny from the block" aka Jennifer Booger Eater Lopez is engaged again! This time to botard Ben Affleck. Sorry, but if I have to see her no-talent, snot eating ass, on the cover of the paper one more time, I might knife her in the eyeballs. Could she BE anymore pathetic and IRRITATING! What asshole would marry this bitch?
Yes, I am very vehement in my hatred of J-Glow.
Yes, I am very vehement in my hatred of J-Glow.
Just got off the phone with my brother. We had a great talk. He was pretty depressed when we started the conversation. By the end, I had him laughing and in a better mood and that always makes me feel like I am doing my job as his big brother.
He just spent a WONDERFUL weekend with a girl he met last August. Her name is Nina, short for Katrina, and she is from Ireland. From what Winfield was saying on the phone, she could definitely be in the running as the next possible girlfriend in his life.
Of course I immediatly hated her when I found out that he really likes her.
I am so over protective of him and I don't want any girl fucking with his head.
:-D
He even asked me what I thought about him moving to Ireland after his 4 years with the ARMY is up. I was VEHEMENT about the fact that I would fly to Ireland to punch Nina in the face, if he so chooses to move there to be with her.
My brother is going to come HOME after the ARMY duty is finished. Nuff said.
:(
Ah well. We will play it by ear.
He just left to go back out into the field for a month. He will be back at his apartment on December 13th. GAH! I fucking hate having wonderful conversations with him just to have him go away again for another 4 weeks.
Can I say once again how much I hate the fact that he is in Germany?
In other news, Paul has lost that amazing apartment that we looked at last week. He had to work in Boston on Saturday, when his two future roommates came down to check out the place. They decided that "the neighboorhood was too dangerous". Now granted, I didn't see any white faces on the two blocks that we walked, but who GIVES A SHIT?!?!?!?!?!
The apartment was so WORTH it. Paul NEVER would have given up this apartment if he was here on Saturday. They just told the guy "no" and went to look at other places in the city. From what Mariah told me on the phone earlier, these two girls found a few other possibilities, but all of the places are half the size and come with a massive broker's fee.
I laid it on thick with Paul this morning. I explained to him that these girls were fucking him royally and that he better get on the ball with this or he is going to end up in an apartment the size of a shoebox AND be spending double the amount of money that he would have spent.
Grrrrrrr....I feel horrible for him.
Now, there are 3 other available apartments in the same building as the amazing one. One of them is on the first floor and is almost identical. From what Paul says, it has access to the backyard as well. So he may still get to take that one. But it is all dependent on what happens in the next two days. He will be coming back to the city from Wed-Fri morning to look at some of the new places, but hopefully to put a down payment on this last WONDERFUL apartment.
He was pretty sad when I was talking to him. He may be realizing that these girls aren't going to be right for him, as far as future roommates go.
Whatever, as long as he gets his ass here. We can deal with them later.
Saturday was Jeannie's wedding!
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever had the pleasure of attending. She was GORGEOUS and the whole event went off without a hitch. Rita and the rest of her family were nothing but love.
Kelly and I left early Saturday morning and took the train to New Jersey. Once there, Rita's boyfriend "Scott" picked us up and we stopped at a cafe for breakfast. The wedding began at 11am and ended around noon. Rita was a STUNNER, let me tell you. The other bridesmaid, Leslie, was also a beauty and both of them rocked the house like it was 1999!
There were about 1,754 pictures taken. I was moved to tears about 17 times during the wedding. I didn't actually let any tears roll down my face until I realized that Rita would be doing the same wedding thing with Scott in the near future. That made me want to hurl. And also sob my brains out.
Speaking of Scott...he was an absolute STUD at the wedding. He is such a perfect person to have at any function. He is willing to help out, so easy to talk to, and funny as shit! Everyone at the wedding just LOVED him. It is impossible to count how many people came up to him and asked him if he was next. Every time someone posed that question when I was around, I would shoot him a dirty look and whisper to him: "You do it, you die!"
Rita is supposed to be MY girl forever!
and ever.
Amen.
The wedding reception was a fucking blast. It started around 12:30pm and that is when we began dumping booze down our throats. Kelly and I must have had 2 bottles of wine, just between the two of us. And that was just during the dinner. The dancing was INSANITY and I made sure to get freaky with both Rita's mom and every available woman in the place. INCLUDING, 5 crazy married women from VA. I can't even explain how nuts the whole thing was, but I can say that it was filled with hysterical laughter, hugs, and the Electric Slide. OF COURSE!
Once Leslie caught the bouquet (THANK GOD!), we all went back to the hotel to continue doing it up! Kelly and I went up to our room to change and smoke a bowl, when the funniest shit in the world happened.
You see...
Kelly and I were pretty drunk when we got to the hotel. When we got to our room, we both SQUEALED like little girlie pigs and went running through the place. We were out of our minds. We were jumping on the beds, climbing up the walls, and basically just acting like 13 year old children. At one point, I took a piece of the curtain and slammed it into her face. I screamed "DUCK!" and slammed it right onto her glasses, which in turn, smashed right into her eye. She then slapped me SO HARD right across the face.
We both sat there stunned for a minute, not understanding how things had gotten so out of control.
It was just about the funniest thing I have ever seen.
Kelly and Joe go CRAZY in their hotel room until they slap eachother to calm down.
It worked. We were much more behaved after that.
Finally, we met up with Rita and the rest of the gang, and joined the rest of the crowd at the party. We OWNED that hotel lobby until about 12am. Rita's mom and sister in law, stayed up with us and were just about the MOST fun. God, there must have been 10 of us crowded around a little table, all talking at the same time: yelling, laughing, going out of our minds.
Man...it sounds hectic, I know.
And it was!
I have never had so much fun!!!
Kelly and I went back to the room around 12am and continued to stay up and drink and talk. I think we finally passed out around 3am only to get back out of bed at 9am for breakfast.
It was an unbelievable whirlwind for everyone involved.
Kelly was the PERFECT date. She was fun, easy, and brought tons of cash! hahahaha!
If I had it to do over again, I would bring her. She made me very proud.
Rita's family is absolutely beautiful. They were ALL nice to us, giving us hugs, and inviting us over for dinner.
Her one aunt, in particular, Maribeth, was a God send. She was SO funny and did nothing, but take Kelly and I under her wing for the entire party. As Rita had explained to me prior to the event, "Maribeth's family is like one you will never meet."
They are that perfect.
SO yeah! The whole thing was a raging success. Rita, Kelly, and I spent yesterday trying to detox. I think Rita slept for 12 hours last night and I KNOW that I had at least 12 diarrhea shits. Kelly still feels like garbage today. I am not kidding when I say that we DID IT UP! 15 hours of drinking, dancing, and debauchery. That'll get ya every time!
I would do it again this weekend, if I could.
UGH!
Okay...I just got off the phone with Paul again. I gotta go help him with some apartment bullshit.
I can't wait until he is just here already!
He just spent a WONDERFUL weekend with a girl he met last August. Her name is Nina, short for Katrina, and she is from Ireland. From what Winfield was saying on the phone, she could definitely be in the running as the next possible girlfriend in his life.
Of course I immediatly hated her when I found out that he really likes her.
I am so over protective of him and I don't want any girl fucking with his head.
:-D
He even asked me what I thought about him moving to Ireland after his 4 years with the ARMY is up. I was VEHEMENT about the fact that I would fly to Ireland to punch Nina in the face, if he so chooses to move there to be with her.
My brother is going to come HOME after the ARMY duty is finished. Nuff said.
:(
Ah well. We will play it by ear.
He just left to go back out into the field for a month. He will be back at his apartment on December 13th. GAH! I fucking hate having wonderful conversations with him just to have him go away again for another 4 weeks.
Can I say once again how much I hate the fact that he is in Germany?
In other news, Paul has lost that amazing apartment that we looked at last week. He had to work in Boston on Saturday, when his two future roommates came down to check out the place. They decided that "the neighboorhood was too dangerous". Now granted, I didn't see any white faces on the two blocks that we walked, but who GIVES A SHIT?!?!?!?!?!
The apartment was so WORTH it. Paul NEVER would have given up this apartment if he was here on Saturday. They just told the guy "no" and went to look at other places in the city. From what Mariah told me on the phone earlier, these two girls found a few other possibilities, but all of the places are half the size and come with a massive broker's fee.
I laid it on thick with Paul this morning. I explained to him that these girls were fucking him royally and that he better get on the ball with this or he is going to end up in an apartment the size of a shoebox AND be spending double the amount of money that he would have spent.
Grrrrrrr....I feel horrible for him.
Now, there are 3 other available apartments in the same building as the amazing one. One of them is on the first floor and is almost identical. From what Paul says, it has access to the backyard as well. So he may still get to take that one. But it is all dependent on what happens in the next two days. He will be coming back to the city from Wed-Fri morning to look at some of the new places, but hopefully to put a down payment on this last WONDERFUL apartment.
He was pretty sad when I was talking to him. He may be realizing that these girls aren't going to be right for him, as far as future roommates go.
Whatever, as long as he gets his ass here. We can deal with them later.
Saturday was Jeannie's wedding!
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever had the pleasure of attending. She was GORGEOUS and the whole event went off without a hitch. Rita and the rest of her family were nothing but love.
Kelly and I left early Saturday morning and took the train to New Jersey. Once there, Rita's boyfriend "Scott" picked us up and we stopped at a cafe for breakfast. The wedding began at 11am and ended around noon. Rita was a STUNNER, let me tell you. The other bridesmaid, Leslie, was also a beauty and both of them rocked the house like it was 1999!
There were about 1,754 pictures taken. I was moved to tears about 17 times during the wedding. I didn't actually let any tears roll down my face until I realized that Rita would be doing the same wedding thing with Scott in the near future. That made me want to hurl. And also sob my brains out.
Speaking of Scott...he was an absolute STUD at the wedding. He is such a perfect person to have at any function. He is willing to help out, so easy to talk to, and funny as shit! Everyone at the wedding just LOVED him. It is impossible to count how many people came up to him and asked him if he was next. Every time someone posed that question when I was around, I would shoot him a dirty look and whisper to him: "You do it, you die!"
Rita is supposed to be MY girl forever!
and ever.
Amen.
The wedding reception was a fucking blast. It started around 12:30pm and that is when we began dumping booze down our throats. Kelly and I must have had 2 bottles of wine, just between the two of us. And that was just during the dinner. The dancing was INSANITY and I made sure to get freaky with both Rita's mom and every available woman in the place. INCLUDING, 5 crazy married women from VA. I can't even explain how nuts the whole thing was, but I can say that it was filled with hysterical laughter, hugs, and the Electric Slide. OF COURSE!
Once Leslie caught the bouquet (THANK GOD!), we all went back to the hotel to continue doing it up! Kelly and I went up to our room to change and smoke a bowl, when the funniest shit in the world happened.
You see...
Kelly and I were pretty drunk when we got to the hotel. When we got to our room, we both SQUEALED like little girlie pigs and went running through the place. We were out of our minds. We were jumping on the beds, climbing up the walls, and basically just acting like 13 year old children. At one point, I took a piece of the curtain and slammed it into her face. I screamed "DUCK!" and slammed it right onto her glasses, which in turn, smashed right into her eye. She then slapped me SO HARD right across the face.
We both sat there stunned for a minute, not understanding how things had gotten so out of control.
It was just about the funniest thing I have ever seen.
Kelly and Joe go CRAZY in their hotel room until they slap eachother to calm down.
It worked. We were much more behaved after that.
Finally, we met up with Rita and the rest of the gang, and joined the rest of the crowd at the party. We OWNED that hotel lobby until about 12am. Rita's mom and sister in law, stayed up with us and were just about the MOST fun. God, there must have been 10 of us crowded around a little table, all talking at the same time: yelling, laughing, going out of our minds.
Man...it sounds hectic, I know.
And it was!
I have never had so much fun!!!
Kelly and I went back to the room around 12am and continued to stay up and drink and talk. I think we finally passed out around 3am only to get back out of bed at 9am for breakfast.
It was an unbelievable whirlwind for everyone involved.
Kelly was the PERFECT date. She was fun, easy, and brought tons of cash! hahahaha!
If I had it to do over again, I would bring her. She made me very proud.
Rita's family is absolutely beautiful. They were ALL nice to us, giving us hugs, and inviting us over for dinner.
Her one aunt, in particular, Maribeth, was a God send. She was SO funny and did nothing, but take Kelly and I under her wing for the entire party. As Rita had explained to me prior to the event, "Maribeth's family is like one you will never meet."
They are that perfect.
SO yeah! The whole thing was a raging success. Rita, Kelly, and I spent yesterday trying to detox. I think Rita slept for 12 hours last night and I KNOW that I had at least 12 diarrhea shits. Kelly still feels like garbage today. I am not kidding when I say that we DID IT UP! 15 hours of drinking, dancing, and debauchery. That'll get ya every time!
I would do it again this weekend, if I could.
UGH!
Okay...I just got off the phone with Paul again. I gotta go help him with some apartment bullshit.
I can't wait until he is just here already!
Friday, November 08, 2002
I think I said everything I wanted to say yesterday and now I am left with nothing to write about.
Third Eye Blind is playing on my Launch player right now and it is fully enjoyable.
Kelly and I are going to see 8 Mile at 6pm. She called him a legend yesterday and I burst out laughing. Legends
of
the
fall.
Okay, that's all I have to write today.
Hope everyone has a BOMB weekend!!!!!!
Third Eye Blind is playing on my Launch player right now and it is fully enjoyable.
Kelly and I are going to see 8 Mile at 6pm. She called him a legend yesterday and I burst out laughing. Legends
of
the
fall.
Okay, that's all I have to write today.
Hope everyone has a BOMB weekend!!!!!!
Thursday, November 07, 2002
Can someone stop me before I really hurt one of my friends???
What is wrong with me? I am like two different people. Completely split down the middle. From 9am-5pm I am a miserable mean bitch.
I have good moments, but I find myself so GRRRRRRRRRR with most of my day. It's really disconcerting.
When I wrote my "Ten Reasons Why I love Justin Timberlake", I really thought that the entry read as funny and light. A sarcastic way of saying to the world that it is OK for me to be obsessed with this artist. I dedicated it to Fish and Ari because they were participating in an IM about how I was a really great guy with a very powerful weakness for cheese. Not edible cheese, although that is a serious weakness too.
Justin cheese.
(the most expensive brand)
I meant it to be fun and stupid, but Ari just called in a panic, hoping that she hadn't truly offended me. And the thing is...she didn't at all!
I just re-read what I wrote and thought to myself "How could they NOT take that as a slam?" Although I meant it as a shout out to the world, it CLEARLY came across as a letter directly addressed to one, Miss Ari and two, Miss Fish. I also noticed that I wrote "Fish That Needs A Bicycle" when we all know that that is quite against the contrary. I apologize for that typo Fish. I got more respect for you than that playa shit.
I should never write when I am at work. My entries are coming from someone I don't even recognize.
Last night Paul looked me right in the eye and goes: "You're crazy."
Just that.
"You're crazy."
And you know what?
He's totally right. I kept coming back at him with "YOU'RE crazy." "oh no YOU'RE crazy". "YOU? YOU be crazy."
That's all I could say because I knew he was totally right.
What is going on with me? Seriously.
I am going...well...crazy.
How do I learn to relax? I am riding on a so much tension these days that often I do feel like I am losing my mind.
During my average day I will have conversations with strangers and get to a point in the conversation where I start to panic. I don't know what to say anymore. My heart starts to beat faster, my head gets all foggy and I actually just stand there quiet. Who is this person?
I am usually exactly the opposite. I can talk to people I don't know with ease. I am the man with the "ly's". You know that guy. The one that always responds to whatever you say with "exactly", "definitely", "totally", "always".
did u not catch that?
go back and tell me why "always" is not what I say.
I am the guy that makes you feel good. People have always wanted to be around me because I am a genuinely nice guy.
It's what I base everything on.
And I think we can all agree that Joe Cut the Shit hasn't been a nice guy for awhile.
He seperated from me at some point.
I think I have fought more with my friends in the last year than I ever have in my life. I am constantly having to either apologize for something or prove my position on a topic to the point of a full blown screaming match.
Dammit Joe.
Stop it.
Why, when I know that Paul is here for only 12 hours, do I find myself so ANGRY? I lash out. I come across as insincere.
I am alienating myself from the outside world.
And it scares me.
Quite a bit.
It is going to be very hard for me to make it as an actor if I have a piss poor attitude. Or if I am a mean-hearted person.
Now, I do know that I am hard on myself. So hard on myself.
I am not like this all the time. Usually I am this guy during my work day. Nighttimes are totally cool with me. I slow it down and I smile a lot more. I don't dig my fingernails into my thumb looking for an escape from my peers.
Okay wait. Now I just decided that I am a complete weirdo. Dig my fingers into my thumb? Yes, I do that alot.
Told you...legitimate split personality.
Maybe I am growing up and it is natural for an adult male to become a jaded fuck.
Maybe I am SUPPOSED to be acting like a prick all the time.
Well THAT was an easy lesson to learn.
:(
Rita and I had a talk last week about some serious shit.
We hashed out some issues and I walked away from the conversation believing that I was right in most points that I made. And that she agreed.
However, upon further investigation, I am seeing so much truth in what she had to say. When she confronted me with some of my recent personality traits, I was like: "Oh no no. I am not that and I am so perfect and wonderful and like an angel that gets it's wings, I fly over the clouds and up into the beautiful blue...."
right.
Now I sit here and see VERY clearly the point she was trying to make.
Yesterday Rita asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing". I mean, I felt good, Paul was coming into town...things should have been perfect. But as the day went on I started acting as though something really was wrong.
Was it that Rita planted the seed of bad, depressing things in my head?
OR
Was it that she knows me better than most and saw straight through to my core before I did?
I pick choice B now. Oh. Didn't you know that they were choice A and choice B?
It was choice B.
If Rita asks me if anything is on my mind, why do I feel compelled, even if subconciously, to act like the guy who's got it all together?
I surely don't have it all together and Rita knows that better than anyone.
So why am I playing this game?
I don't know.
What I do know is that I am cruising for a breakdown soon. It's been coming for awhile.
When I was a senior in college, I was just coming to grips with changing my major. It was the most stressful time of my life. I mean, everyone wanted me just to finish my Education degree and GRADUATE already. So before a performance of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", I was saying goodbye to two of my housemates at the time, Rita and Erica, who were giving me nothing but smiles and "Break a leg!".
As I was saying goodbye I absolutely BURST into a violent explosion of tears. I collapsed on their laps and just sobbed for about 15 minutes. It was so intense that for the first 5 minutes neither of them said a word. They just held me and let me get it out.
I will never forget it.
I just RELEASED.
I am not a huge cryer. I mean, I don't have any sort of problem with crying. I will cry with pride and I expect and encourage my friends to cry with pride as well. It's a healthy and natural emotion.
But let's not do it too much, cuz then you're just a lump of sobbing annoyance in my life.
Am I right?
I be right.
After I collapsed with those two girls, I felt as though I had the strength of ten men. I was flying high for months. It was shortly after that that I got my life together.
That's where I think I am headed now. In an eerie coincidence, it was 4 years ago, around Thanksgiving, that I had my big sobfest.
I keep thinking that I can predict when my life is going to take the turn towards productive and rewarding. Whether it be a sobfest, a change in the weather, the fact that I am irresistibly adorable...I just don't know.
Foolish boy I am.
Ah well.
I got to just let it happen. And I have to remember the lessons I am learning each day.
Today's lessons are:
1) Next time you start to act like a prick, take a step back and contemplate the delivery of what you got to say.
2) RELAX
3) Don't be so hard on self
4) Tighten that body up
oh. didn't really mention my body image problems today. haha.
but still, tighten it up Joe.
5) Be MUCH kinder to Paul
6) Allow self to go to friends with any sort of problem; even if don't feel comfortable, at the time, discussing it.
Well! That is quite a few things to think about.
Nice.
Alright, I am going to call my mom now. Just need to hear her voice.
My final words:
Fish: Feel v. bad about what other self said earlier. Other self wishes to apologize to H. in hopes that H. will forgive and understand that Joe acts like immature tool during most of his social interactions with others. Fish knows Joe and knows that he thinks v. highly of her.
BTW Fish, fuck the bicycle.
Ari: I don't need to say much to you cuz I talked to you on the phone tonight. Thank you for being my concious. Sorry that I am grumps Mcgrumps during most of our work days. You told me I would become you, the way you became Fran, and guess what...whether I like to admit it or not, you were right.
Fran is really to blame. :)
Rita: I have thought about our conversation and I thank you for bringing to my attention some things that were hard for you to say, but necessary for me to hear. I will work on my stuff too. You are my ladles. Forever and ever, amen.
YAY WEDDING!
Kelly: You are a gaylord.
Paul: Like Paul reads my journal.
hahahaha like I would just call Kelly a "gaylord" and move on.
Kelly: For once I don't have anything to apologize to you about. Wait, we are hanging out tomorrow to watch "8 Mile". I am sure I will hurt your feelings at some point. So, in advance, I am sorry for hurting your feelings.
Ok, that it!
One more thing about Justin and I will let it go.
for tonight.
His second single off the album is called "Cry Me a River". It is pure genius. Seriously. I think it will grab the attention of people who (as most of my readers do) loathe him. There isn't that much Michael Jackson influence in the song. I think it's a winner. Please let me know if it changes anyone's opinion about him.
I will post any and all GOOD responses.
If they be bad responses, they be sleeping in my recycle bin.
But I am truly believing in what I say right now. You really may like this one!
I am going to go in my room now, take off my prom dress and call my girlfriends on the phone so we can discuss Justin some more.
If we play the NSYNC boardgame I am totally being Justin. Ari, you can be Chris Kirkpatrick.
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fine. you can be JC if you want.
he's pretty cool.
Thanks for reading my long entries today.
Sorry I am "crazy".
What is wrong with me? I am like two different people. Completely split down the middle. From 9am-5pm I am a miserable mean bitch.
I have good moments, but I find myself so GRRRRRRRRRR with most of my day. It's really disconcerting.
When I wrote my "Ten Reasons Why I love Justin Timberlake", I really thought that the entry read as funny and light. A sarcastic way of saying to the world that it is OK for me to be obsessed with this artist. I dedicated it to Fish and Ari because they were participating in an IM about how I was a really great guy with a very powerful weakness for cheese. Not edible cheese, although that is a serious weakness too.
Justin cheese.
(the most expensive brand)
I meant it to be fun and stupid, but Ari just called in a panic, hoping that she hadn't truly offended me. And the thing is...she didn't at all!
I just re-read what I wrote and thought to myself "How could they NOT take that as a slam?" Although I meant it as a shout out to the world, it CLEARLY came across as a letter directly addressed to one, Miss Ari and two, Miss Fish. I also noticed that I wrote "Fish That Needs A Bicycle" when we all know that that is quite against the contrary. I apologize for that typo Fish. I got more respect for you than that playa shit.
I should never write when I am at work. My entries are coming from someone I don't even recognize.
Last night Paul looked me right in the eye and goes: "You're crazy."
Just that.
"You're crazy."
And you know what?
He's totally right. I kept coming back at him with "YOU'RE crazy." "oh no YOU'RE crazy". "YOU? YOU be crazy."
That's all I could say because I knew he was totally right.
What is going on with me? Seriously.
I am going...well...crazy.
How do I learn to relax? I am riding on a so much tension these days that often I do feel like I am losing my mind.
During my average day I will have conversations with strangers and get to a point in the conversation where I start to panic. I don't know what to say anymore. My heart starts to beat faster, my head gets all foggy and I actually just stand there quiet. Who is this person?
I am usually exactly the opposite. I can talk to people I don't know with ease. I am the man with the "ly's". You know that guy. The one that always responds to whatever you say with "exactly", "definitely", "totally", "always".
did u not catch that?
go back and tell me why "always" is not what I say.
I am the guy that makes you feel good. People have always wanted to be around me because I am a genuinely nice guy.
It's what I base everything on.
And I think we can all agree that Joe Cut the Shit hasn't been a nice guy for awhile.
He seperated from me at some point.
I think I have fought more with my friends in the last year than I ever have in my life. I am constantly having to either apologize for something or prove my position on a topic to the point of a full blown screaming match.
Dammit Joe.
Stop it.
Why, when I know that Paul is here for only 12 hours, do I find myself so ANGRY? I lash out. I come across as insincere.
I am alienating myself from the outside world.
And it scares me.
Quite a bit.
It is going to be very hard for me to make it as an actor if I have a piss poor attitude. Or if I am a mean-hearted person.
Now, I do know that I am hard on myself. So hard on myself.
I am not like this all the time. Usually I am this guy during my work day. Nighttimes are totally cool with me. I slow it down and I smile a lot more. I don't dig my fingernails into my thumb looking for an escape from my peers.
Okay wait. Now I just decided that I am a complete weirdo. Dig my fingers into my thumb? Yes, I do that alot.
Told you...legitimate split personality.
Maybe I am growing up and it is natural for an adult male to become a jaded fuck.
Maybe I am SUPPOSED to be acting like a prick all the time.
Well THAT was an easy lesson to learn.
:(
Rita and I had a talk last week about some serious shit.
We hashed out some issues and I walked away from the conversation believing that I was right in most points that I made. And that she agreed.
However, upon further investigation, I am seeing so much truth in what she had to say. When she confronted me with some of my recent personality traits, I was like: "Oh no no. I am not that and I am so perfect and wonderful and like an angel that gets it's wings, I fly over the clouds and up into the beautiful blue...."
right.
Now I sit here and see VERY clearly the point she was trying to make.
Yesterday Rita asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing". I mean, I felt good, Paul was coming into town...things should have been perfect. But as the day went on I started acting as though something really was wrong.
Was it that Rita planted the seed of bad, depressing things in my head?
OR
Was it that she knows me better than most and saw straight through to my core before I did?
I pick choice B now. Oh. Didn't you know that they were choice A and choice B?
It was choice B.
If Rita asks me if anything is on my mind, why do I feel compelled, even if subconciously, to act like the guy who's got it all together?
I surely don't have it all together and Rita knows that better than anyone.
So why am I playing this game?
I don't know.
What I do know is that I am cruising for a breakdown soon. It's been coming for awhile.
When I was a senior in college, I was just coming to grips with changing my major. It was the most stressful time of my life. I mean, everyone wanted me just to finish my Education degree and GRADUATE already. So before a performance of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", I was saying goodbye to two of my housemates at the time, Rita and Erica, who were giving me nothing but smiles and "Break a leg!".
As I was saying goodbye I absolutely BURST into a violent explosion of tears. I collapsed on their laps and just sobbed for about 15 minutes. It was so intense that for the first 5 minutes neither of them said a word. They just held me and let me get it out.
I will never forget it.
I just RELEASED.
I am not a huge cryer. I mean, I don't have any sort of problem with crying. I will cry with pride and I expect and encourage my friends to cry with pride as well. It's a healthy and natural emotion.
But let's not do it too much, cuz then you're just a lump of sobbing annoyance in my life.
Am I right?
I be right.
After I collapsed with those two girls, I felt as though I had the strength of ten men. I was flying high for months. It was shortly after that that I got my life together.
That's where I think I am headed now. In an eerie coincidence, it was 4 years ago, around Thanksgiving, that I had my big sobfest.
I keep thinking that I can predict when my life is going to take the turn towards productive and rewarding. Whether it be a sobfest, a change in the weather, the fact that I am irresistibly adorable...I just don't know.
Foolish boy I am.
Ah well.
I got to just let it happen. And I have to remember the lessons I am learning each day.
Today's lessons are:
1) Next time you start to act like a prick, take a step back and contemplate the delivery of what you got to say.
2) RELAX
3) Don't be so hard on self
4) Tighten that body up
oh. didn't really mention my body image problems today. haha.
but still, tighten it up Joe.
5) Be MUCH kinder to Paul
6) Allow self to go to friends with any sort of problem; even if don't feel comfortable, at the time, discussing it.
Well! That is quite a few things to think about.
Nice.
Alright, I am going to call my mom now. Just need to hear her voice.
My final words:
Fish: Feel v. bad about what other self said earlier. Other self wishes to apologize to H. in hopes that H. will forgive and understand that Joe acts like immature tool during most of his social interactions with others. Fish knows Joe and knows that he thinks v. highly of her.
BTW Fish, fuck the bicycle.
Ari: I don't need to say much to you cuz I talked to you on the phone tonight. Thank you for being my concious. Sorry that I am grumps Mcgrumps during most of our work days. You told me I would become you, the way you became Fran, and guess what...whether I like to admit it or not, you were right.
Fran is really to blame. :)
Rita: I have thought about our conversation and I thank you for bringing to my attention some things that were hard for you to say, but necessary for me to hear. I will work on my stuff too. You are my ladles. Forever and ever, amen.
YAY WEDDING!
Kelly: You are a gaylord.
Paul: Like Paul reads my journal.
hahahaha like I would just call Kelly a "gaylord" and move on.
Kelly: For once I don't have anything to apologize to you about. Wait, we are hanging out tomorrow to watch "8 Mile". I am sure I will hurt your feelings at some point. So, in advance, I am sorry for hurting your feelings.
Ok, that it!
One more thing about Justin and I will let it go.
for tonight.
His second single off the album is called "Cry Me a River". It is pure genius. Seriously. I think it will grab the attention of people who (as most of my readers do) loathe him. There isn't that much Michael Jackson influence in the song. I think it's a winner. Please let me know if it changes anyone's opinion about him.
I will post any and all GOOD responses.
If they be bad responses, they be sleeping in my recycle bin.
But I am truly believing in what I say right now. You really may like this one!
I am going to go in my room now, take off my prom dress and call my girlfriends on the phone so we can discuss Justin some more.
If we play the NSYNC boardgame I am totally being Justin. Ari, you can be Chris Kirkpatrick.
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fine. you can be JC if you want.
he's pretty cool.
Thanks for reading my long entries today.
Sorry I am "crazy".
10 Reasons Why I love Justin Timberlake
by Joe Cut the Shit
Dedicated to Ari and The Fish That Needs A Bicycle
10) The way he moves is sumptin else. Pop lock dancing? Uh yeah...amazing.
9) His voice, although falsetto most of the time, is smooth, clear, and rhythmic.
8) He always performs live. Oh, you thought he was lip synching? Yeah no. He's that good.
7) He's real. Always acting like himself. The only show Justin puts on is on stage.
6) He's cutting edge. His music tends to border on that of chaos - fly beats and new rhythms combined with a distinct melody.
5) He works hard. Very hard.
4) It's not COOL to like Justin when you are 25 years old and a boy. That makes me like him more.
3) His image. He appeals mostly to a younger crowd and still finds a way to keep his shit clean. Regardless of the fact that he is at that age when it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to keep your shit clean.
2) He is sexy as fuck. While not my physical type, I have an easy time understanding why guys and girls alike would want to spend a night kissing his fuckable lips.
1) He's a fucking SUPERSTAR for a reason. He has been working his ass off since he was a child. Despite growing up in front of the public eye, Justin is someone who must be commended on doing it right. He hasn't been to jail, had a drug problem, or even been caught shoplifting. Justin is a class act. He has earned everything he's got.
I realize that most people in their 20's or 30's don't understand the hype behind the Justin phenomenon. But also understand this...when you were all screaming at the top of your lungs for Warrant and Skid Row no one gave you a hard time for liking male bands that wore more make-up than you!
I will always be willing to take a good Justin bashing, but I also think it should be pointed out that everyone likes music that they can identify with. If I happen to identify with a guy that sings higher than your mother, then so be it. I like him and don't need to be reminded every day what a loser I am for appreciating his style.
Right?
Thank you and goodnight.
by Joe Cut the Shit
Dedicated to Ari and The Fish That Needs A Bicycle
10) The way he moves is sumptin else. Pop lock dancing? Uh yeah...amazing.
9) His voice, although falsetto most of the time, is smooth, clear, and rhythmic.
8) He always performs live. Oh, you thought he was lip synching? Yeah no. He's that good.
7) He's real. Always acting like himself. The only show Justin puts on is on stage.
6) He's cutting edge. His music tends to border on that of chaos - fly beats and new rhythms combined with a distinct melody.
5) He works hard. Very hard.
4) It's not COOL to like Justin when you are 25 years old and a boy. That makes me like him more.
3) His image. He appeals mostly to a younger crowd and still finds a way to keep his shit clean. Regardless of the fact that he is at that age when it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to keep your shit clean.
2) He is sexy as fuck. While not my physical type, I have an easy time understanding why guys and girls alike would want to spend a night kissing his fuckable lips.
1) He's a fucking SUPERSTAR for a reason. He has been working his ass off since he was a child. Despite growing up in front of the public eye, Justin is someone who must be commended on doing it right. He hasn't been to jail, had a drug problem, or even been caught shoplifting. Justin is a class act. He has earned everything he's got.
I realize that most people in their 20's or 30's don't understand the hype behind the Justin phenomenon. But also understand this...when you were all screaming at the top of your lungs for Warrant and Skid Row no one gave you a hard time for liking male bands that wore more make-up than you!
I will always be willing to take a good Justin bashing, but I also think it should be pointed out that everyone likes music that they can identify with. If I happen to identify with a guy that sings higher than your mother, then so be it. I like him and don't need to be reminded every day what a loser I am for appreciating his style.
Right?
Thank you and goodnight.
I stumbled across a GENIUS website today.
I received a 5 dollar bill with this website printed on it: www.wheresgeorge.com
When I went to the website, I logged in the serial number and series date of the bill and I was able to track down where this 5 dollar bill has been over the last year. It was the fucking coolest thing I have ever seen.
I immediatly logged in the bill and spent it in order to send it on its way.
Then I came back from lunch and took out a 1 dollar bill, marked it up and will send it on its way later tonight.
What a cool concept!
However, isn't it against the law to deface currency?
oooooooh. I am so badass.
I received a 5 dollar bill with this website printed on it: www.wheresgeorge.com
When I went to the website, I logged in the serial number and series date of the bill and I was able to track down where this 5 dollar bill has been over the last year. It was the fucking coolest thing I have ever seen.
I immediatly logged in the bill and spent it in order to send it on its way.
Then I came back from lunch and took out a 1 dollar bill, marked it up and will send it on its way later tonight.
What a cool concept!
However, isn't it against the law to deface currency?
oooooooh. I am so badass.
So you mean there really is such a thing as a gay NFL football player?
NO!
Say it ain't so!
Gay Football Player Article
NO!
Say it ain't so!
Gay Football Player Article
Well!
Paul is gone.
Lately, these visits have been so quick that I have a hard time believing that he was ever here to begin with.
I had my interview at the Gap last night and it was so snores that I don't even know what to say about it. It was a group interview so I was stuck in a room with 10 other random people. There was one girl there that didn't speak any English and at one point she got so frustrated and upset that her eyes filled with tears and she said: "I got to go bathroom", grabbed her bag and bolted. It was sad. And also funny as shit.
Paul told me not to tell that story anymore cuz he thinks that there is no humor in people getting their feelings hurt.
Yeah ok Paul. That's the only thing that IS funny on this earth.
Sike.
sorta sike.
I now have to wait 48 hours to get a phone call from the Gap Management. If I don't hear from them, I don't get a second interview. Now...if I don't hear from them, am I really supposed to believe that the other 10 people in the room were more qualified than me?
Well, I guess that depends on if the Gap is looking for people who just recently obtained their GED, regardless of how old they are.
Cuz really.
After the interview, Paul was supposed to be waiting outside for me.
Of course he wasn't there. Thank God I had a calling card on me (you read that right, my po' ass don't got no cell phone). I called Paul and he was like: "Where are you?" I'm like: "Where are YOU?!!?!?" Turns out he was across the street at Aldo trying on shoes. I ran across the street to see Paul standing in the doorway of Aldo holding up two pairs of shoes and grinning ear to ear. I was like: "What are you DOING?" He had obviously sucked down a bottle of vodka in the half hour that he was waiting for me and I must admit, he looked fucking adorable standing there with his new shoes. I immediately called the shoes "womanly" and "hideous" and ushered him out of the store before he could waste more money on shoes he doesn't need.
After we got home, something bad happened.
We went to buy groceries for dinner and got into a bit of a fight over whether or not he was going to buy me "Hawaian Punch Fruit Chews". He didn't end up buying them for me because "Candy is bad for Joe. Not healthy enough".
So instead, he buys a roll of sugar cookies.
Um? Yeah.
Ah geez.
After we get home, I threw a temper tantrum because I didn't want my steak to be covered in mushrooms and gravy.
"But Joe, have I ever made anything that you didn't like?" "No Paul, you haven't. But gravy is something that makes me gag on sight." When my back was turned he slopped gravy onto everything and I started hissing like the gay snake that I am. I went into my room to chill out for a minute. When I came back out into the kitchen, I did something so stupid and regrettable. I embarrassed him in front of Rita by making fun of the fact that he just recently lost his internship. I don't know why I did it and I know that it is something that really upsets him. The minute I said it I wished I could have erased it and started over. Too late.
After that comment, he and I had a HUGE arguement full of slander and acid tongues at the kitchen table. Rita sat politely and quietly on the couch and I became increasingly more humiliated as the conversation went on. Eventually I just stopped speaking because I was horrified at where the conversation was going.
It was quite awful and I felt horrible for Rita for having to sit there and endure it all.
Fuck. It sucked.
I then went back in my room to chill out again.
After Rita came into my room to say goodnight, I went back out into the kitchen again and Paul and I worked shit out. For the most part. It was a rough hour and sometimes I wish I could exhibit more self-control in these type of situations. Especially with Paul.
Once dinner was over, we watched The Simpsons and then began to kiss and touch. It was incredibly romantic and I just laid back and let whatever was going to happen, happen.
The love making last night was so real and intense that when I orgasmed, I actually started to cry.
Now, I don't know if you have ever had a moment like that, but it is the scariest thing on the planet. Especially when you have been with someone for 3 years.
In all that amount of time, I may have cried once or twice in the moment of passion.
I felt so overwhelmed with love and understanding for him. It was so raw. He wiped my tears and kissed me on the forehead. It was one of the most beautiful moments we have ever had. Also, it was one of the best love making sessions I have had in my entire life, much less with Paul. We also discussed having sex and both decided that once he moves here, it will be one of the first things that we do together. It's been a long time coming, but I know it will be worth the wait.
Shortly after that we discussed the move for a while and then I crawled into his arms and fell into the deepest sleep of my life.
The night hours flew by faster than normal and we both woke up at 6am and mushed our bodies as tight together as we could.
I felt love and happiness corsing through my gay veins.
It was mind blowing. I reluctantly got out of bed to shower this morning and to save time I didn't even shave. As soon as I had my clothes back on, I jumped back into bed to hold him for 15 more minutes before I had to leave for work. I said goodbye at 8am and then made my way to the subway.
Bye Paul.
Having him move to NYC to be with me is just about the best thing that has happend to me in a long time. Not that good things haven't happened, but this is something that is not only going to change my life, but make it better. I have waited 3 years for this to happen and it is almost time!
I have been saying quick prayers all day that this new apartment will work out for him. I have been praying that he and I will be able to be candid with eachother, but still find a way to be respectful and helpful to eachother. Because I love him so much and because we have known one another so intimately for so long, it gets increasingly easier to whip out the acid tongue and say whatever is on our minds. I, for one, need to be careful. If I love him so much, then I have to make sure that I treat him well and that I cherish him, rather than cut him down.
Paul is my ghoulie and I am happier with him now than I have ever been. (big sigh)
In other news...
Jeannie will be married as of Saturday morning. I am still shocked by this whole event. She is 23 years old and is planning to spend the rest of her life with her husband, Rich. How does she know this at 23 when I don't know even know to be nice to my own boyfriend?
I am thrilled to be invited to this event and I am taking Kelly as my date. I did ask Paul originally, but he doesn't feel comfortable yet going to an event as an openly gay man. I guess I can understand that. I would be nervous too and these are my best friends.
Rita looks absolutely gorgeous in her maid of honor dress. She is wearing a very slim fitting purple dress with a very LIGHT sprinkling of sequins. YES THE SEQUINS LOOK GOOD ON THE DRESS! I KNOW THAT SEQUINS ARE WRONG AND ONLY MEANT FOR BEDAZZLER GUNS, BUT I PROMISE YOU IT LOOKS GREAT WITH THIS DRESS!
sorry for screaming at u.
The wedding is at 11am.
Kelly and I will leave around 7am to get on the 8am train to NJ. We will attend the ceremony, then take tons of pictures, eat and booze it up at the reception and then make our way to a fun filled, alcohol filled, evening at a hotel! I really can't think of a better way to be spending my weekend.
YAY JEANNIE! WHAT A HUGE DAY FOR YOU!
I am so proud to be going.
I guess that's it for now. It has been quite an interesting couple of days.
A good couple of days.
If I keep farting in my chair, I am bound to blow a hole right through the cushion.
Paul is gone.
Lately, these visits have been so quick that I have a hard time believing that he was ever here to begin with.
I had my interview at the Gap last night and it was so snores that I don't even know what to say about it. It was a group interview so I was stuck in a room with 10 other random people. There was one girl there that didn't speak any English and at one point she got so frustrated and upset that her eyes filled with tears and she said: "I got to go bathroom", grabbed her bag and bolted. It was sad. And also funny as shit.
Paul told me not to tell that story anymore cuz he thinks that there is no humor in people getting their feelings hurt.
Yeah ok Paul. That's the only thing that IS funny on this earth.
Sike.
sorta sike.
I now have to wait 48 hours to get a phone call from the Gap Management. If I don't hear from them, I don't get a second interview. Now...if I don't hear from them, am I really supposed to believe that the other 10 people in the room were more qualified than me?
Well, I guess that depends on if the Gap is looking for people who just recently obtained their GED, regardless of how old they are.
Cuz really.
After the interview, Paul was supposed to be waiting outside for me.
Of course he wasn't there. Thank God I had a calling card on me (you read that right, my po' ass don't got no cell phone). I called Paul and he was like: "Where are you?" I'm like: "Where are YOU?!!?!?" Turns out he was across the street at Aldo trying on shoes. I ran across the street to see Paul standing in the doorway of Aldo holding up two pairs of shoes and grinning ear to ear. I was like: "What are you DOING?" He had obviously sucked down a bottle of vodka in the half hour that he was waiting for me and I must admit, he looked fucking adorable standing there with his new shoes. I immediately called the shoes "womanly" and "hideous" and ushered him out of the store before he could waste more money on shoes he doesn't need.
After we got home, something bad happened.
We went to buy groceries for dinner and got into a bit of a fight over whether or not he was going to buy me "Hawaian Punch Fruit Chews". He didn't end up buying them for me because "Candy is bad for Joe. Not healthy enough".
So instead, he buys a roll of sugar cookies.
Um? Yeah.
Ah geez.
After we get home, I threw a temper tantrum because I didn't want my steak to be covered in mushrooms and gravy.
"But Joe, have I ever made anything that you didn't like?" "No Paul, you haven't. But gravy is something that makes me gag on sight." When my back was turned he slopped gravy onto everything and I started hissing like the gay snake that I am. I went into my room to chill out for a minute. When I came back out into the kitchen, I did something so stupid and regrettable. I embarrassed him in front of Rita by making fun of the fact that he just recently lost his internship. I don't know why I did it and I know that it is something that really upsets him. The minute I said it I wished I could have erased it and started over. Too late.
After that comment, he and I had a HUGE arguement full of slander and acid tongues at the kitchen table. Rita sat politely and quietly on the couch and I became increasingly more humiliated as the conversation went on. Eventually I just stopped speaking because I was horrified at where the conversation was going.
It was quite awful and I felt horrible for Rita for having to sit there and endure it all.
Fuck. It sucked.
I then went back in my room to chill out again.
After Rita came into my room to say goodnight, I went back out into the kitchen again and Paul and I worked shit out. For the most part. It was a rough hour and sometimes I wish I could exhibit more self-control in these type of situations. Especially with Paul.
Once dinner was over, we watched The Simpsons and then began to kiss and touch. It was incredibly romantic and I just laid back and let whatever was going to happen, happen.
The love making last night was so real and intense that when I orgasmed, I actually started to cry.
Now, I don't know if you have ever had a moment like that, but it is the scariest thing on the planet. Especially when you have been with someone for 3 years.
In all that amount of time, I may have cried once or twice in the moment of passion.
I felt so overwhelmed with love and understanding for him. It was so raw. He wiped my tears and kissed me on the forehead. It was one of the most beautiful moments we have ever had. Also, it was one of the best love making sessions I have had in my entire life, much less with Paul. We also discussed having sex and both decided that once he moves here, it will be one of the first things that we do together. It's been a long time coming, but I know it will be worth the wait.
Shortly after that we discussed the move for a while and then I crawled into his arms and fell into the deepest sleep of my life.
The night hours flew by faster than normal and we both woke up at 6am and mushed our bodies as tight together as we could.
I felt love and happiness corsing through my gay veins.
It was mind blowing. I reluctantly got out of bed to shower this morning and to save time I didn't even shave. As soon as I had my clothes back on, I jumped back into bed to hold him for 15 more minutes before I had to leave for work. I said goodbye at 8am and then made my way to the subway.
Bye Paul.
Having him move to NYC to be with me is just about the best thing that has happend to me in a long time. Not that good things haven't happened, but this is something that is not only going to change my life, but make it better. I have waited 3 years for this to happen and it is almost time!
I have been saying quick prayers all day that this new apartment will work out for him. I have been praying that he and I will be able to be candid with eachother, but still find a way to be respectful and helpful to eachother. Because I love him so much and because we have known one another so intimately for so long, it gets increasingly easier to whip out the acid tongue and say whatever is on our minds. I, for one, need to be careful. If I love him so much, then I have to make sure that I treat him well and that I cherish him, rather than cut him down.
Paul is my ghoulie and I am happier with him now than I have ever been. (big sigh)
In other news...
Jeannie will be married as of Saturday morning. I am still shocked by this whole event. She is 23 years old and is planning to spend the rest of her life with her husband, Rich. How does she know this at 23 when I don't know even know to be nice to my own boyfriend?
I am thrilled to be invited to this event and I am taking Kelly as my date. I did ask Paul originally, but he doesn't feel comfortable yet going to an event as an openly gay man. I guess I can understand that. I would be nervous too and these are my best friends.
Rita looks absolutely gorgeous in her maid of honor dress. She is wearing a very slim fitting purple dress with a very LIGHT sprinkling of sequins. YES THE SEQUINS LOOK GOOD ON THE DRESS! I KNOW THAT SEQUINS ARE WRONG AND ONLY MEANT FOR BEDAZZLER GUNS, BUT I PROMISE YOU IT LOOKS GREAT WITH THIS DRESS!
sorry for screaming at u.
The wedding is at 11am.
Kelly and I will leave around 7am to get on the 8am train to NJ. We will attend the ceremony, then take tons of pictures, eat and booze it up at the reception and then make our way to a fun filled, alcohol filled, evening at a hotel! I really can't think of a better way to be spending my weekend.
YAY JEANNIE! WHAT A HUGE DAY FOR YOU!
I am so proud to be going.
I guess that's it for now. It has been quite an interesting couple of days.
A good couple of days.
If I keep farting in my chair, I am bound to blow a hole right through the cushion.
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Can I just say one more time how EXCITED I am about Paul's new apartment?
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
OMIGOD!
I can't believe it. Paul and I just got back from looking at a couple apartments. The first one we looked at was nice, but the building smelled like piss and the area seemed a little rough. The superintendent was nice and very helpful. We looked at the place and then figured we would just move on. Then the super is like: "Wait a few minutes and I will show you a couple apartments that haven't been listed yet."
So we stand around for a bit and then the super takes us down to 112th and 7th avenue. One block from Central Park I might add. We walk into this apartment that is on the first floor of this BEAUTIFUL building. There is a lounge right outside of the apartment that has nice couches, a coffee table, and (randomly) 6 picutres of Marilyn Monroe a la Andy Warhol Style.
When the super opened the door, I screamed "Holy Shit!" and immediately went RUNNING through the place. I am still overwhelmed at what I saw. There are two bedrooms on the first floor (yes, you read that right...the first floor), a full bath, a beautiful kitchen, HUGE living room and a great view. Then, there is this long winding staircase that goes to the basement and this is the point in which I piss all over myself.
On the bottom level is the master bedroom and amazing full size bathroom. It is GIGUNDO! There is a good size sitting room outside this bedroom as well. UM!
There is this little hallway outside the master bedroom that leads to the backyard. UM! YES! BACKYARD! If Paul takes the place, and he will(!), he will have access to this strip of concrete backyard all for himself! Well, and his roommates can use it, I guess.
They have a dishwasher, fully renovated kitchen with a flat stove, silver chrome fridge, intercom system, night security guard, washer/dryer in the building...
MAN! I swear to God it's a mansion.
Now, how much is it you ask?
Yeah. Well only $2600.
I KNOW!
I sit here shocked to my core that he has stumbled across such an incredible deal! I am thrilled for him. He has been stressing about this move for months and it really seemed that he was going to have some major trouble in finding a place. But this is really going to work out for him and in such a wonderful way. He deserves it. The kid works harder than anyone I know and it's nice to be able to see him get something he really wants.
Plus, I get to live there with him whenever I want!!
I took a cab from this apartment to work. I was nervous that I was going to be late from my lunch break.
WELL GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! The cab ride cost me $2.50 and it took only 4 minutes to get to work. UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
My commute now is an hour and when Kelly, Rita and I move to Brooklyn, it is going to be an hour and 20.
But now that is no real worry! I can stay at his place whenever I want and sleep until 8:30am and STILL be to work on time.
I am floored. This is all working out perfectly.
Thank the Lord!
Praise God!
Hallelujah Amen!
Whoo hoo!
Well, that's that. :-D
Tonight I have an interview at the Gap. Ugh. I have to get a second job and tonight will decide whether or not I am working there over the holidays. I am not that happy about it, but once I am making some extra cash, I think my opinion will change.
Wish me luck! I gotta be there by 5:15pm.
Yesterday Rita and I ran errands. We had the day off due to "Election Day" or some shit. We both went and voted, then I dropped off my Gap application and then we hit Target to buy her sister wedding presents. (The wedding is in 3 days! WOW!!!)
While at Target, Rita and I went over to the music section to see if Justin's new cd was in stock. It just came out yesterday morning, so I didn't think they would have any copies left. BUT THEY DID! I am so broke and knew that I couldn't buy it until next week. Next thing I know, Rita and I are wrestling eachother to the ground cuz she wanted to buy it for me. I really didn't want her to have to do that, but it was nice that she cared enough about my Justin obsession to help a brotha out.
She bought it for me and it was probably one of the nicest gifts I have ever been given. She bought me my boyfriend's solo debut album.
Wow. What a friend.
BTW...the cd is wonderful. I have listened to it all the way through about 5 times already; or course stopping to play the ones I like over and over. I LOVE IT!
After the interview tonight, Paul and I will make a nice romantic dinner together and settle in to watch a movie. I am thrilled to be able to spend the night with him. I can't WAIT until we are doing this all the time. Only 3 more weeks!
I am filled with such happiness and excitement right now.
What a day...
I can't believe it. Paul and I just got back from looking at a couple apartments. The first one we looked at was nice, but the building smelled like piss and the area seemed a little rough. The superintendent was nice and very helpful. We looked at the place and then figured we would just move on. Then the super is like: "Wait a few minutes and I will show you a couple apartments that haven't been listed yet."
So we stand around for a bit and then the super takes us down to 112th and 7th avenue. One block from Central Park I might add. We walk into this apartment that is on the first floor of this BEAUTIFUL building. There is a lounge right outside of the apartment that has nice couches, a coffee table, and (randomly) 6 picutres of Marilyn Monroe a la Andy Warhol Style.
When the super opened the door, I screamed "Holy Shit!" and immediately went RUNNING through the place. I am still overwhelmed at what I saw. There are two bedrooms on the first floor (yes, you read that right...the first floor), a full bath, a beautiful kitchen, HUGE living room and a great view. Then, there is this long winding staircase that goes to the basement and this is the point in which I piss all over myself.
On the bottom level is the master bedroom and amazing full size bathroom. It is GIGUNDO! There is a good size sitting room outside this bedroom as well. UM!
There is this little hallway outside the master bedroom that leads to the backyard. UM! YES! BACKYARD! If Paul takes the place, and he will(!), he will have access to this strip of concrete backyard all for himself! Well, and his roommates can use it, I guess.
They have a dishwasher, fully renovated kitchen with a flat stove, silver chrome fridge, intercom system, night security guard, washer/dryer in the building...
MAN! I swear to God it's a mansion.
Now, how much is it you ask?
Yeah. Well only $2600.
I KNOW!
I sit here shocked to my core that he has stumbled across such an incredible deal! I am thrilled for him. He has been stressing about this move for months and it really seemed that he was going to have some major trouble in finding a place. But this is really going to work out for him and in such a wonderful way. He deserves it. The kid works harder than anyone I know and it's nice to be able to see him get something he really wants.
Plus, I get to live there with him whenever I want!!
I took a cab from this apartment to work. I was nervous that I was going to be late from my lunch break.
WELL GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! The cab ride cost me $2.50 and it took only 4 minutes to get to work. UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
My commute now is an hour and when Kelly, Rita and I move to Brooklyn, it is going to be an hour and 20.
But now that is no real worry! I can stay at his place whenever I want and sleep until 8:30am and STILL be to work on time.
I am floored. This is all working out perfectly.
Thank the Lord!
Praise God!
Hallelujah Amen!
Whoo hoo!
Well, that's that. :-D
Tonight I have an interview at the Gap. Ugh. I have to get a second job and tonight will decide whether or not I am working there over the holidays. I am not that happy about it, but once I am making some extra cash, I think my opinion will change.
Wish me luck! I gotta be there by 5:15pm.
Yesterday Rita and I ran errands. We had the day off due to "Election Day" or some shit. We both went and voted, then I dropped off my Gap application and then we hit Target to buy her sister wedding presents. (The wedding is in 3 days! WOW!!!)
While at Target, Rita and I went over to the music section to see if Justin's new cd was in stock. It just came out yesterday morning, so I didn't think they would have any copies left. BUT THEY DID! I am so broke and knew that I couldn't buy it until next week. Next thing I know, Rita and I are wrestling eachother to the ground cuz she wanted to buy it for me. I really didn't want her to have to do that, but it was nice that she cared enough about my Justin obsession to help a brotha out.
She bought it for me and it was probably one of the nicest gifts I have ever been given. She bought me my boyfriend's solo debut album.
Wow. What a friend.
BTW...the cd is wonderful. I have listened to it all the way through about 5 times already; or course stopping to play the ones I like over and over. I LOVE IT!
After the interview tonight, Paul and I will make a nice romantic dinner together and settle in to watch a movie. I am thrilled to be able to spend the night with him. I can't WAIT until we are doing this all the time. Only 3 more weeks!
I am filled with such happiness and excitement right now.
What a day...
Monday, November 04, 2002
I got an email from "A Girl Named Bob" this morning, explaining thatSour Patch Kids have literal acid on them. Hence the reason why my tongue still feels like I dipped it into a boiling pot of, well....acid!How can they put acid on a candy??? I have been eating these things for years and I never knew that you could either eat Sour Patch Kids or use them to take the acryllic off your car. Gosh! Time for me to be a LITTLE more careful in the candy I choose.
Want to know something even more ridiculous?
Do you know the candy called Warheads? Well the makers of this extremely wonderful, but horribly painful candy have come up with liquid warhead juice. Paul and I used to buy sour patch kids and squirt the liquid wardhead juice all over it. We would soak the "kids" in the juice and see who could last the longest.
Then we would wonder why our tongues would bleed for days.
It was pretty great.
Yeah.
Pretty great.
Want to know something even more ridiculous?
Do you know the candy called Warheads? Well the makers of this extremely wonderful, but horribly painful candy have come up with liquid warhead juice. Paul and I used to buy sour patch kids and squirt the liquid wardhead juice all over it. We would soak the "kids" in the juice and see who could last the longest.
Then we would wonder why our tongues would bleed for days.
It was pretty great.
Yeah.
Pretty great.
Welcome back to this shithole I like to call my job.
The weekend came and went faster than any I have ever had before. I don't understand how it is Monday already. I was laying in my bed last night wondering how it was possible that I had to get up and come to work again today.
Luckily, our office is closed for Election Day tomorrow, so Rita, Ari, and I have the day off. How random and wonderful!
Tonight, Rita, Kelly and I will go to see The Ring. I had told Rita that I wasn't going to drink tonight, even though we have off from work tomorrow. Then I decided how fun it would be to drink in the movie theater.
Great. More useless calories for me!
But I'll sleep like a baby.
Last night for our family dinner, the three of us made breakfast. We had pancakes, homefries, turkey bacon, omelettes, and lemon water. It was fucking bizomb. I usually hate breakfast, but when it's for dinner...I love it! While we were deciding to have that, the
three of us all commented on how our parents used to make breakfast for dinner all the time when we were little. Little and poor. Pancakes are for the cheap.
Well, anyway, when Paul called last night, I told him that we were having "Breakfast for Dinner" and he goes: "Awesome. My parents used to do that all the time when I was little." Then this morning, Kelly told her sister, Aly, that we had "Breakfast for Dinner" last night and Aly said: "HAHA. Dad makes that for me all the time."
Either we all come from families of hobos or pancakes for dinner is some good old fashioned American eats!
Spiderman the movie sucks.
So Ari just walked by my computer and noticed "Breakfast for dinner". She loves it too! What is the deal with this world????
Paul is coming into town on Wednesday night. He and I will be going to look at some more apartments. Hopefully we will be spending most of the time in bed, but that kinda depends on how many places he has to see.
How nice is it that I get to see him more than once a month? Pretty nice. He called the other day and we had a "normal" talk. Just under an hour later he calls back and I'm like: "What's going on? What's wrong?", cuz he never calls just to call.
Paul responds by saying: "I just love you so much".
Course my heart melts all over the floor and I go "Shut the fuck up you piece of shit!"
Then I slammed the phone down on him.
Cuz really...back off!
alright...if you believed any of that, then you are too easily convinced that I am a psycho. What I actually did when he said: "I just love you so much" is make gurgling baby noises and tell him that he is my favorite person on the planet. Man. He is the best.
The heat is broken in our office building today. It is fucking freezing. My nuts are the size of little snow peas and Rita's hands look like they have been smashed with a sledge hammer. They are purple and twisted. Well, not so much twisted.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.........................
Oof dah. I have yet to take a shit since BEFORE the Breakfast for Dinner extravaganza. Then I had about a box of candy and a cheese sandwich before I ewent to bed. Then this morning I had a roll with butter. Now I have to go.
Kelly said that I am going to have a: Pancakebaconomeletthomefriescandycheeserollwithbutter poop. I think she could be right.
Also, just now I kept saying to Kelly over AIM: "Oh you." Then she was like: "Oh me, what?"
So I just happend to randomly write www.ohyou.com and she actually clicked on it.
When she did, this crazy lady screams: "VERISIGN IS A BAD COMPANY!"
She told me what happend and then I clicked on it too. But I didn't realize that she was going to scream it. I thought it was going to be a stupid pop up window.
Everyone in the office knows that "Verisign is a bad company" now.
OK...horrible story. But the way it transpired was pretty damn fun.
Alright fuck you then.
The weekend came and went faster than any I have ever had before. I don't understand how it is Monday already. I was laying in my bed last night wondering how it was possible that I had to get up and come to work again today.
Luckily, our office is closed for Election Day tomorrow, so Rita, Ari, and I have the day off. How random and wonderful!
Tonight, Rita, Kelly and I will go to see The Ring. I had told Rita that I wasn't going to drink tonight, even though we have off from work tomorrow. Then I decided how fun it would be to drink in the movie theater.
Great. More useless calories for me!
But I'll sleep like a baby.
Last night for our family dinner, the three of us made breakfast. We had pancakes, homefries, turkey bacon, omelettes, and lemon water. It was fucking bizomb. I usually hate breakfast, but when it's for dinner...I love it! While we were deciding to have that, the
three of us all commented on how our parents used to make breakfast for dinner all the time when we were little. Little and poor. Pancakes are for the cheap.
Well, anyway, when Paul called last night, I told him that we were having "Breakfast for Dinner" and he goes: "Awesome. My parents used to do that all the time when I was little." Then this morning, Kelly told her sister, Aly, that we had "Breakfast for Dinner" last night and Aly said: "HAHA. Dad makes that for me all the time."
Either we all come from families of hobos or pancakes for dinner is some good old fashioned American eats!
Spiderman the movie sucks.
So Ari just walked by my computer and noticed "Breakfast for dinner". She loves it too! What is the deal with this world????
Paul is coming into town on Wednesday night. He and I will be going to look at some more apartments. Hopefully we will be spending most of the time in bed, but that kinda depends on how many places he has to see.
How nice is it that I get to see him more than once a month? Pretty nice. He called the other day and we had a "normal" talk. Just under an hour later he calls back and I'm like: "What's going on? What's wrong?", cuz he never calls just to call.
Paul responds by saying: "I just love you so much".
Course my heart melts all over the floor and I go "Shut the fuck up you piece of shit!"
Then I slammed the phone down on him.
Cuz really...back off!
alright...if you believed any of that, then you are too easily convinced that I am a psycho. What I actually did when he said: "I just love you so much" is make gurgling baby noises and tell him that he is my favorite person on the planet. Man. He is the best.
The heat is broken in our office building today. It is fucking freezing. My nuts are the size of little snow peas and Rita's hands look like they have been smashed with a sledge hammer. They are purple and twisted. Well, not so much twisted.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.........................
Oof dah. I have yet to take a shit since BEFORE the Breakfast for Dinner extravaganza. Then I had about a box of candy and a cheese sandwich before I ewent to bed. Then this morning I had a roll with butter. Now I have to go.
Kelly said that I am going to have a: Pancakebaconomeletthomefriescandycheeserollwithbutter poop. I think she could be right.
Also, just now I kept saying to Kelly over AIM: "Oh you." Then she was like: "Oh me, what?"
So I just happend to randomly write www.ohyou.com and she actually clicked on it.
When she did, this crazy lady screams: "VERISIGN IS A BAD COMPANY!"
She told me what happend and then I clicked on it too. But I didn't realize that she was going to scream it. I thought it was going to be a stupid pop up window.
Everyone in the office knows that "Verisign is a bad company" now.
OK...horrible story. But the way it transpired was pretty damn fun.
Alright fuck you then.
Sometimes you just happen to stumble upon comedic genius. I was just searching for something related to this topic, when I ended up at this site:
SICK!
SICK!
Friday, November 01, 2002
HAPPY DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN!
Wow! What fun we had last night! We did everything we said we would do and I, for one, had a fucking blast. Rocky Horror was amazing. I don't really have all that much to say about it except that I love my girls so much. It was pure fun and at no point did I feel that I wanted to be with anyone else.
Not even my boyfriend.
So, last Sunday I decided it would be not only healthy, but appropriate to shove my face with about 3 pounds of Sour Patch Kids. I just love those little guys.
I ate and ate and sucked on and ate as many as I could possibly stomach. At one point my tongue felt as though it was engulfed in flames. I swear I heard it split at the seam.
Yet, I continued to eat.
"GO JOE!", I thought to myself as I pushed through the pain the "kids" were causing my mouth.
Well, it's now been 5 days and my tongues still feels fucked up.
Is it possible that I did permanent damage?
This morning on the subway, Kelly told me that she had a friend in highschool who's father got tongue cancer. They removed half of his tongue. He then walked around with it bobbing up and down all weird-like in his mouth. Cept, Kelly was convinced that part of it regenerated.
Well, that's comforting.
Kelly works two doubles this weekend.
Joe works nothing.
Well, Joe works the floor at the Jane party tomorrow.
I am going to go and act extra smarmy. So that people think that I am something BIG! When I get asked the question:
"You're an actor Joe, right? Have I seen you in something?"
I will say:
"Why yes, you have. You have seen my fist in your face!"
Then I will lay a HUGE egg fart and walk away all casually.
Now that is some class dawg!
Tonight Rita and I are renting movies. Sunday afternoon, once Kelly is finally realeased from her hellish prison, Rita and I will show her "Boogie Nights" and then Kelly and I will show Rita "Happiness". Pretty excited about curling up on the couch and watching awesome movies.
Note only for Kelly:
Hey Kelly! I saw a picture of Sam today on her website. Brass Tacks bullshit.
Sam is supa skinny now. She looked so different. I mean, some things never change. You nose what I mean.
But still! Fuck! She is really getting her shit together.
Good thing I just keep wallowing away in my own degredation and filth.
End note to Kelly.
Sam used to be my ex-girlfriend. We were together for 3 years off and on. The only thing physical we did in that time period was kiss like 4 times. Once I put her hand on my dick just to give her a thrill.
Man that girl loved me.
Poor thing.
Now she looks pretty good.
Ok snores.
Have a great weekend ya'll.
PEAYCE!
Wow! What fun we had last night! We did everything we said we would do and I, for one, had a fucking blast. Rocky Horror was amazing. I don't really have all that much to say about it except that I love my girls so much. It was pure fun and at no point did I feel that I wanted to be with anyone else.
Not even my boyfriend.
So, last Sunday I decided it would be not only healthy, but appropriate to shove my face with about 3 pounds of Sour Patch Kids. I just love those little guys.
I ate and ate and sucked on and ate as many as I could possibly stomach. At one point my tongue felt as though it was engulfed in flames. I swear I heard it split at the seam.
Yet, I continued to eat.
"GO JOE!", I thought to myself as I pushed through the pain the "kids" were causing my mouth.
Well, it's now been 5 days and my tongues still feels fucked up.
Is it possible that I did permanent damage?
This morning on the subway, Kelly told me that she had a friend in highschool who's father got tongue cancer. They removed half of his tongue. He then walked around with it bobbing up and down all weird-like in his mouth. Cept, Kelly was convinced that part of it regenerated.
Well, that's comforting.
Kelly works two doubles this weekend.
Joe works nothing.
Well, Joe works the floor at the Jane party tomorrow.
I am going to go and act extra smarmy. So that people think that I am something BIG! When I get asked the question:
"You're an actor Joe, right? Have I seen you in something?"
I will say:
"Why yes, you have. You have seen my fist in your face!"
Then I will lay a HUGE egg fart and walk away all casually.
Now that is some class dawg!
Tonight Rita and I are renting movies. Sunday afternoon, once Kelly is finally realeased from her hellish prison, Rita and I will show her "Boogie Nights" and then Kelly and I will show Rita "Happiness". Pretty excited about curling up on the couch and watching awesome movies.
Note only for Kelly:
Hey Kelly! I saw a picture of Sam today on her website. Brass Tacks bullshit.
Sam is supa skinny now. She looked so different. I mean, some things never change. You nose what I mean.
But still! Fuck! She is really getting her shit together.
Good thing I just keep wallowing away in my own degredation and filth.
End note to Kelly.
Sam used to be my ex-girlfriend. We were together for 3 years off and on. The only thing physical we did in that time period was kiss like 4 times. Once I put her hand on my dick just to give her a thrill.
Man that girl loved me.
Poor thing.
Now she looks pretty good.
Ok snores.
Have a great weekend ya'll.
PEAYCE!
